Save Lando

take the money and run.

2006-12-23T01:23:00.000-06:00

ok kids, time has come once again to pack my shit up and move along. dont worry, im not done yet, but i do have a brand spanking new home at wordpress. so far, its all kinds of badass, and lets me play how i wanna.

you can find me now here.

update those bookmarks!!

as for you, blogger. i'd like to say that i was all that, but i really can't. you're were pretty dissapointing in the end, but hey, you're still better than diaryland. keep in touch. i wish you well. and i hope you gain 100 lbs.

seacrest out!

hold my tendercrisp cheddar bacon ranch hand.

2005-02-27T02:34:00.000-06:00

So the woman that I was chatting up last week came into my store again. This time she brought a new guy with her, and I couldn't tell if it was her father or boyfriend. Scary eh? Either way, she didn't seem interested in continuing the conversation we were having (see: COCKBLOCK!), or even starting a new one with me. So that kind of sucked. And even though i knew i had no chance whatsoever, I still felt dissapointed when she left without notice, opting to treat me like every other woman. (pity party, table for one)

"Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone. "

I read that somewhere recently and decided it was pretty darn true, at least in my case. Given this weeks excitement when concerning the fairer sex, I'm more likely to just run away and save myself the trouble. My roommate was all set to hook back up with an ex of his, but only in a fuck-buddy type situation. He talked to her maybe 4 times on the phone, none of racy content. Now? She's turned into some sort of psycho stalker. She averages at least 4 calls and 3 visits a night to our workplace. This is that one woman with the three kids (one in safety helm) I wrote about sometime last month.

Makes me think that after a woman has kids, she's incapable of having any other thoughts concerning men. "OOOH HE MIGHT BE A GOOD DADDY FOR MY TRIAD OF ILLEGITIMATE BABIES!" biological post-pregnancy female thinking at its finest. A shame, she has a beautiful smile and if she could ever get over that whole 'psychotic' thing, she might be a catch (for anyone wanting a 'brady bunch situation').

to Blockbuster Video:

I understand that you tend to cater to the general public's renting needs. I understand that you must rent out loads more movies featuring a bare Will Smith's ass fighting robots than you do anything else resembling a decent movie. What I do not understand is your continuing failure to adequately stock semi-intelligent comedic fare for yours truly. It's not like I'm searching for anything rare here. Also, your employees are complete buffoons when it comes to anything except playing & talking about video games. Please fix that, and find this:

And finally, Darius Rucker? How the mighty have fallen. No longer serving as the soundtrack to countless fratboy date-rape parties, you've finally hit rock bottom without the Blowfish. Hawking out 'Cheddar Bacon Ranch' sandwiches for Burger King in full black cowboy regalia. I wouldn't have taken any notice, but my roommate decided to sing along on a break from an episode of Full House (save me). If I ever meet you, Mr. Rucker, prepare to defend yourself.

this weeks musical survey excuse for an entry.

2005-02-26T01:43:00.000-06:00

Ultimate Music Survey:

A song whose lyrics you thought you knew in the past, but about which you later learned you were incorrect.

i can't think of any offhand. no doubt a song of sexual innuendo from my youth that i could never fully understand until i did that whole puberty thing.

Your least favorite song on one of your favorite albums of all time.

'the Hanging Garden' from the Cure's Pornography

A song you like by someone you find physically unattractive or otherwise repellent.

'Divine Hammer' - the Breeders (the deal sisters arent my idea of attractive)

Your favorite song with the name of a city in the title or text.

'El Paso' - Marty Robbins

A song (or top 4 in my case) you've listened to repeatedly when you were depressed at some point in your life.

'It's Not' - Aimee Mann

"Where I get lost in space that goes on forever.
And you make all the rest just an after thought.
And I believe it's you who could make it better.
But it's not. No it's not"

'Cold' - the Cure

"I wait
Await the next breath
Your name
Like ice into my heart
A shallow grave
A monument to the ruined age
Ice in my eyes
And eyes like ice don't move"

'Big Skies, Black Rainbows' - Verbena

"the less i warm my heart, the less it wants to mend"

'Roads' - Portishead

"How can it feel, this wrong
Storm.. in the morning light
I feel
No more can I say
Frozen to myself
I got nobody on my side
And surely that ain't right"

Ever buy an entire album just for one song and wind up disliking everything but that song? Gimme that song.

'What Do You Want From Me?' - Monaco

Your favorite song that has expletives in it that's not by Liz Phair.

'All I Want is More' - Reel Big Fish

"Someday, maybe she'll come back to me
and i'll say, 'WHY DONT YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF?'"

A song that sounds as if it's by someone British but isn't.

any silverchair song ever made.

A song you like (possibly from your past) that took you forever to finally locate a copy of.

'Barefoot in the Dark' - Deadboy & the Elephantmen

A song that reminds you of spring but doesn't mention spring at all.

'Sexxx Laws' - Beck

A song that sounds to you like being happy feels.

'Here Comes A Special Boy' - Freezepop

Your favorite song from a non-soundtrack compilation album.

'Just To Play' - Midnight Movies (you need this album)

A song from your past that would be considered politically incorrect now (and absolutely was then).

'I'll Meet You in Poland, Baby' - Foetus

A song sung by an overweight person.

'A Big Hunk of Love' - Elvis Presley

A song you actually like by an artist you otherwise hate.

'Slow Ride' - Foghat

A song by a band (whose members actually play instruments) that features three or more female members.

'Smile' - Elastica

One of the earliest songs that you can remember listening to.

'Torture' - the Jacksons (and boy was it)

A song you've been mocked by friends for liking.

'You've Got Another Thing Comin' - Judas Priest

A really good cover version you think no one else has heard.

'Such Great Heights' - Iron & Wine

A song that has helped cheer you up (or empowered you somehow) after a breakup or otherwise difficult situation.

'Kiss Off' - Violent Femmes

What was the last song you downloaded?

'Car Chase Terror' - M83

An album you love that is flawless from start to finish (in other words no song skipping necessary)?

the Streets - A Grand Don't Come for Free

The song that made you get the album in that first place?

his first album

Give me the song title which you think best describes who you actually are. Explain.

'Portrait of the Damned' - My Life with the Thrill Kill Kult

Now give me the song title which you think best describes your personality. Explain.

'Asleep at the Trigger' - Autolux

Quick – your favorite clever song lyric!

From 'They can only hurt you when you sleep' - Fig Dish

"If I saw your face, i would surely run
To the nearest far-off place"

A romantic song that is NOT cheesy & your favorite lyric from that song.

'Crazy In Love' - Kane

"I don't think that it seems really all that strange
when i'm outside doing cartwheels in the rain
if you could see her walk across a crowded room
you would understand why i go insane
the way she glistens in the moonlight
the way she outshines the stars,
brighter than any sun"

Knock knock knockin' on...

2005-02-21T02:34:00.000-06:00

I've recently been battling a craptacular case of the crud. Christ, I actually wanted to be put out of my misery on more than one occasion. Those occasions usually coincided with one of my many trips to the watercloset. I joked elsewhere that no man should ever have to use the restroom a number equal to or greater than the number of hours said person has been awake. That was my situation over the weekend off, and I won't even get into an extremely embarassing story about having company over and praying: 'it's only a fart'. happy now?

So, spending 20 of 24 hours in bed one day. You know, there was a time once when I did the exact same thing, but for a very different reason. See, I wasnt alone then, and thank god (it would have sounded really pathetic had I been). How could sexual olympics ever be not fun? Not so much excitement this time sadly, as feeling like hammered dog shit is never fun (for the person feeling it OR the person who inevitably has to endure someone bitching about having it).

I know where it came from. At work thursday, I had a customer who didnt spare the courtesy of covering his piehole when he coughed. I nicknamed him 'Black Lung', because he obviosuly had something that could only be described as deadly. My roommate was there, he now working at my place of employment on a part-time basis, fretting over catching the black plague from yet another inbred hillbilly moron. These are my customers, and no, I do not run a whiskey distillery (though there are many a times it sounds like less than a horrible idea).

two thumbs down

2005-02-18T02:34:00.000-06:00

i woke thurday morning in a panic. not the half-joke panic i usually exaggerate here, but a real one. i couldnt breathe.

i had eaten something spicy the night before, and my stomach just did not agree. i was halfway into a imaginary crime-spree/sex-romp when it happened. i jumped up to me knees and started coughing. bad idea. see, while i was expelling all my air in coughs, i was unable to draw new breath. some of the acid from my stomach had made its way up my throat and was making things hard. i was all clogged. not in some nasty mucus way, but in some nasty stomach acid way. i sat there on the edge of my bed, coughing and drooling heavily, the saliva from my mouth unable to go down my throat.

i was terrified. i kept clutching at my throat, and a good solid minute later i was able to choke in a little air. by the time i was able to draw breath normally ( a couple minutes later), the back of my throat was on fire, and no amount of water was helping the situation. i'd had minor problems with a little acid before, but none so bad. none had ever prevented me from breathing. and you know, i've grown partial to breathing. sure, there have been a couple of times where we didnt see eye to eye. when i almost drowned. when i got that apnea thing going. when i thought i was breathing too loudly or wheezing. we got over all of that. what happened?

i'm almost scared to go to sleep for fear of it happening again. my life did most certainly flashed before my eyes, and let me tell you. thats not a flick i want to catch again.

COCKBLOCK! / Happy Birthday Mom.

2005-02-15T02:34:00.000-06:00

Valentines Day had always been a day of mourning for me. in years past, i would be irritable, cranky, and generally in a bad mood for most of the day. usually upset because i was single and didnt want to be. not the case this year. so for fun, i'm took another bloggers idea and searched for songs on my computer to listen to with 'love' in the title. shuffled them all up, and this is what came out (but only the first 13).

1. u2 - when love comes to town
2. the pixies - la la love you
3. mansun - love is...
4. eisley - my lovely
5. new order - bizarre love triangle
6. the stone roses - ten story love song
7. juliana hatfield - everybody loves me but you
8. bad company - feel like making love
9. far - love, american style
10. bryan adams - have you really ever loved a woman?
11. david bowie - modern love
12. failure - the nurse who loved me
13. otis redding - a woman, a lover, a friend

so what did i eventually end up doing on this loveliest of superficial commercial holidays? i worked. as bad as it sounds, it really wasnt. i still ended the day without a valentine, and whereas that sucked, i got over it and pushed on.

halfway through my day, a woman came in and started a conversation with me. and when i say woman, i mean goddess. holy crap this woman was/is beautiful, the kind of woman you'd trade ten years of your life just to be with (the ten at the end). the one or two other times i've met her, she was very sweet and kind to me, and today she seemed down. she told me that she had just ended her current relationship because her man didnt pay her enough attention, sometimes going weeks without talking to her. that poor, underappreciated woman. she looked like she had been crying a little bit, and i was more than willing to help her talk it out for her to feel better. really, its what i do and what i enjoy.

so about ten minutes into our conversation, i get some bumfuck hillbilly in need of attention. he asks me for help, and i try as subtle as i can to tell him to fuck off. i looked at him, i looked back at the woman, then i looked back to him. THIS IS MAN CODE, PEOPLE. it means 'fuck off, can't you see i'm talking to this chick?'. the mountain man didnt get it, and because technically i'm supposed to help him (though fifteen feet away, my co-worker was more than capable), i did. she left when i was busy with this inbred yocal fucktard. i spent the next couple of hours in awe, knowing that i was submarined by a half-witted mongoloid (some things never change).

and a Happy VD to you

2005-02-14T10:39:00.000-06:00

a few days ago, at work, i think i made my co-workers wonder about me. see, i have this bad habit of doing things to entertain myself. usually at the detriment of anyone around me. no, nothing illegal like breaking out my wang and 'going to town' or anything. just silly, stupid things that usually get me strange looks.

i decided to have corn dogs for my dinner (as batter covered lips & assholes on a stick is near the perfect food). one of the sticks had broken off inside the treat, and the corn dog was suffering. i had no choice but to perform a last minute emergency 'stick-ectomy' with paperclips, some tweezers and a pocketknife. it was rough. i had no one to wipe the beading sweat from my brow, and no surgical gloves to make things at all sanitary. hopefully, there wont be an infection and the corn dog will continue to live a happy and normal life.

and speaking of meat in a tasty sheath, a co-worker of mine decided to browse the sale papers for lingerie to buy herself for valentines day. she, of course, had to show me everything she wanted to wear for her husband (tease). from there, my imagination took hold, and the next 20 minutes at work were like a bad acid trip. the only attractive woman i work with showing me underwear she wants baffles me. i'm not sure if i've wondered into the 'gay friend zone', which is a bit like entering hell, old navy, or the twilight zone (but with more mauve). i am sure, however, that it took a great deal of effort not to look at her and imagine her wearing what she'd so excitedly pointed out (and ran away to rub one out in the bathroom). why must she taunt me so...

and in other news, my noisy upstairs neighbors proved themselves even more inept at living than normal, saturday. i got a call from my roommate about it 'raining in our bathroom'. evidently the neighbors flooded something, be it bathtub or toilet, and it went through their floor. THANKS, ASSHOLES.

thanks, Bill

2005-02-12T02:34:00.000-06:00

1. Take your username and replace each letter with the corresponding number (A=1, B=2, etc.)

SAVE LANDO = 91

2. Add all of the numbers together.

91

3. Add the digits of that number together.

10 = 1 + 0 = 1

4. Find the post of that number.

GOT IT.

5. Take the number you found in step 3, and count that many words into the post.

'STRANGE'

6. Use the resulting word in a Google image search, and post the first result on the first page.

Like 'AIDS' Haiti?

2005-02-11T22:44:00.000-06:00

i was working the other day, and had the pleasure of dealing with a fairly surly customer who was bitching about he having a lack of money. i assured him that whatever he had, surely it was better than what a great many others have. i'm an optimist that way. what spilled from his gullet immediately baffled me and paralyzed my brain.

"GREAT, NOW I HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO TAKE THAT TRIP TO HAITI!"

i just stared. a good 5 seconds later, after looking him up and down and imagining him actually in Haiti, i asked him if he meant to say Haiti. He seemed the type of guy to easily mix up Haiti and Hawaii, so i just assumed that's what the problem was. he grunted and walked away without answering, spewing venom at everyone else in his path.

renamed 'emo chops'

2005-02-08T20:47:00.000-06:00

been thinking about my recent foray into actual blogging, and how its pissing me off a little. no longer do i rant and rave about everything around me, from stupidity to even MORE stupidity. all that seems gone now. i've fallen into the trap of writing about what i did during the day, every day. eventually this might dwindle down to a 'what i ate for lunch' page. so sad, it makes me want to fight. no, not that fistfight stuff. i'm much too much of a wannabe pacifist to do anything so brash. well, unless they really pissed me off. or cut me off. or looked at me funny. or unless i'd been drinking and met some abusive boyfriend of a nice girl. maybe then you'd hear me say something like "fuck that, i'd hit him so hard, i'd knock those mutton chops off his big stupid head." - from friday night

i constantly think of making changes. try to think of one or two little things that could enrich my somewhat droll day-to-day experience. do i move? and if so, where to? changes in scenery are always good for a jumpstart, good or bad. do i become a weight-loss nazi? and if so, could i still eat dark meat? i dont really like it, but it's an option i have right now. i could always tweak the romance meter and hunt down a cavewoman to drag home. not like its not always on one of the stove's burners, but more often than not, its on the back. maybe i need a new hobby? masturbation isnt really doing a whole lot for making social engagements of anything, and religion (i linked the two like subjects) seems too hokey and fantastical (they could at least throw in some unicorns or something).

so if anything, this past weekend told me that something needs to be done. i dont want to spend another one trolling around the house wondering why my days off of work are substantially worse than the ones i'm not. could it have anything to do with social interaction? mayhaps, i'm not entirely sure. normally, i'd disagree with that theory, but i'm not going to lie to myself. i look forward to going to work, not so much in the making money (though thats good too) but for the social interaction (even if it is with freaks). i went back to work monday, and it took a good 5 hours for me to find anything cheerful about it. i battled a headache and heard "it cant be that bad, Lando" thrown my way more than thrice.

you guys ever feel like you need a clean slate? i do, and all the time. theres just some things that wont ever come clean. history. cant ever change that, and its what i'd like to change the most. there's just no escaping the feeling of 'i took a wrong turn down a street in 1997, and if i had made the right one, my life would be perfect'. i know its silly and a complete waste of time to dwell (briefly) on bullshit like this, but its how i feel when i go through a rough patch of life.

superbowl suck

2005-02-07T20:45:00.000-06:00

another thing contributing to my ho-hum superbowl weekend was the absence of any family get together. special occasions and sports events have always been reasons to gather in the past and sort of enjoy their company. no go this year. no one returned phone calls, so its Lando on a solo mission. hooray for time off...alone? i was working during my sisters birthday dinner, so maybe they're mad at me? they wouldnt return my phone calls then either. guess it might be time to go to church once or twice just so my family will speak to me again. (/sarcasm). it was a boring-ass superbowl anyway, so in the end, what did it matter. congrats to the Patriots, and back to the subject.

my sister mentioned something about their (her husbands and her own) tax return. something about them getting the money they gave to the church back this year. $8,000. they gave $8k to their church last year. honestly, i dont think i made $8k all of 2004 (sad, i know. remember, i was jobless for 10 of those months, so dont get all judgy on me like that girl i spoke to saturday.) am i the only one that finds that number way too high? maybe i'm taking it personal, they did donate $40 to that whole "buy Lando a cupboard full of groceries" cause that one time, so i guess i shouldn't bitch.

an open letter to Amy Poehler:

Amy, baby? you need to call me. this past saturday's episode of SNL (with Paris Hilton and musical guest, Keane) was a complete steaming pile of feces. i know it's not up to you and Horatio to carry the entire show, but gads, you need to do something about making it watchable. and p.s. i need you. watching Paris Hilton do anything ranks up there on my list of things to not do (almost above being anally raped by Mike Tyson). tell Tina to get off her ass and 1.) write better skits and 2.) come over with you. the only bit i enjoyed was the phone sex for geeks skit. it was so bad that i had more fun playing with superglue and calling it an early night. yikes. please fix this.

with Love, Lando.

and we wont even talk about his snot problem...

2005-02-06T20:43:00.000-06:00

friday night we took a trip to the 'Cross-Eyed Moose'. mentioned once here before last year in july during a father/son day with my own dad. one of the roomies female friends waitresses there, and he finally looking like he's over his babies momma, he was interested in persuing this new girl. about damned time. so even though i had just gotten off work, i showered and shaved my way to presentability and we left.

when we got there, he mentioned that this girl had recently got back together with her ex of 2 years. you know the type, physically and mentally abusive; likes to break up for a week or two every couple months so he can nail some other women without the problems. real class job. and to our surprise, he was at the bar, keeping a close eye on his property. he even left 45 minutes before we did, but sat in his car waiting until we left. we got a kick out of it.

somewhere along the line my roommate admitted to me that he was not so good with the 'talking/charm' aspect of male-female relations. he's mr. action. i'm not. so basically, i had to spend the night helping him out and being twice as charming (but receiving zero of the attention). hard work i admit, but ultimately accomplished. we left with a smile on his face, and several jack & cokes in my stomach. all were pleased with the arrangement. we then went on a drunken wal-mart shopping spree where i proved to be a horrible drunken shopping cart driver. ok, maybe not so much me being a bad driver, but me being not opposed to pushing someone elses cart out of my way. shhh, don't tell...

for some reason or another, i've been pretty down today. been building for the greater part of it, and culminated during a conversation i was having with some new girl. something she said bugged me alot, and was the primary reason for logging off and probably not talking to her again. just her perception of the world, but quite ignorant and hurtful to those not in her sphere. and not to help matters, 'Gattaca' was on, and i tuned in just in time to hear a quote that stayed with me:

"i never realized how far i was away from reaching my goal, until i was standing right beside it."

it made me think about that phrase's relation to myself and my life and how true that statement really is. it only upset me more. so all i wanted to do was lay down and listen to some music, but the presence of 'Machismo's son makes that a little more difficult. like any child, he doesnt want to ever play with his parents, but i guess i'm free game. when he took a nap in our chair, i layed down in my room. that lasted all of 20 minutes before i was reminded by said roommate of my obligation to pay rent or something. like that matters...

just another cop-out.

2005-02-05T20:39:00.000-06:00

What you do: pick a band or an artist. Reply to the following questions and/or statements using only song titles from the band of your choice. Then post them in my comments. (Kelly, I don't mind being a lame-ass copycat.) Here are my answers….with my favorite band.

BAND: the Cure

Are you female or male? the Drowning Man
Describe yourself. Scared As You
How do some people feel about you? Three Imaginary Boys
How do you feel about yourself? Bare
Describe your ex-girlfriend/boyfriend. All I Have To Do Is Kill Her
Describe your current crush. A Foolish Arrangement
Describe where you want to be. Coming Up
Describe how you live. To Wish Impossible Things
Describe how you love. Love Song
Share a few words of wisdom: There Is No If...

i just went 'there'

2005-02-04T20:36:00.000-06:00

i was playing around Fark.com and came across this picture under the listing of how to make the superbowl more interesting to people who normally wouldnt be interested. i howled with laughter, then hung my head in shame.

see, i recognize the symbols and all, so i know what it means. its terribly funny to me, but is it only because i'm a super-dork? feedback, please. (i will explain if necessary)

and as if smashing and cutting my leg wasnt enough, i also have a chunk of skin hanging off of my finger now. i'm not sure how i do these things, but given a few more days of this, there might not be much left of me. i'm a walking, talking disaster area. remind me not to walk near any buildings downtown here, we already had a problem there once. whats worse about the skin flap (and dear lord that brings up a memory), is that i like to pick at it. i'm a picker i guess.

so the skin flap memory thing. one time, while driving downtown with one of the first friends i made when i moved to this godforsaken state, i had to hear this story. see, this friend of mine was talking about going to the doctor. why, you ask? because he said he had little flaps of skin coming off of his testicles. christ. i could have gone my entire life without hearing that story, and been just fine. he then followed that up with "no man, its entirely normal, the doctor said. lots of guys have them!" MY ASS. thats some freaky shit. i shouldnt have expected anything less from the guy who's nipples get so dry that they crack and bleed (thank heaven i never had to see them). /vomiting.

r.i.p. John Vernon & Ossie Davis.

no one nose

2005-02-03T20:33:00.000-06:00

it looks like the spot where i got into a fight with the dishwasher has left me a nice little gift. a jagged little scar set in the indentation left. least i still have the feeling in my leg again. the only thing i really have to complain about is a lack of subjects to write about. i saw a Kia with a skull-and-crossbones license plate the other day, but i do think i wrote about that once upon a time (but cannot find it presently). the 'Kia of Doom' lurks the streets late at night looking to get in a spot of trouble, or possibly break down in a bad part of town. sorry, you just can't be a bad-ass in a Kia, it's impossible.

see what i mean? nothing but visions of soccer practice and quick trips to wal-mart. absolutely no visions of dreadful, vicious pirates who eat the flesh of their victims.

so that White Castle movie wasnt all bad. i dont feel like a total idiot for shelling out my precious dollars. i laughed quite a few times, and got a big kick out of Neil Patrick Harris' role. probably one of those stupid movie nights where anything intelligent would've rubbed me the wrong way.

it looks like i have the weekend off. payday weekend off? wow! i'm almost a little excited. i can ...oh. pay off some more bills. fuck. and i think i have some weird nose thing. very couple weeks, my nose just starts hurting. i know, its really dumb/lame. of all my 2000 parts (thanks lever for that info), having my nose hurt above the others is just one example of why i think i have brain damage. well, that and i enjoyed said white castle movie... i suppose its not so bad, i could be enjoying my daily dose of full house/magnum p.i. (like my roomie).

when did i turn into a burnout?

2005-02-02T20:30:00.000-06:00

so Lando, what did you do to celebrate Groundhog Day?

well, not only is it groundhog day, it's also 'the Hobbit's birthday. aww, isnt that cute? well, lets see, i spent the first half of the day doing exactly jack squat. i spent the second half of the day doing laundry, and hurting myself. see, i was trying to get some dishes loaded into the dishwasher, and in a bout of clumsiness, ran into it. i hit my leg so hard on the dishwasher door that IT WENT FRIGGIN' NUMB. seriously, i had to go sit down. its just one minor part on the current path to destruction i seem to be stuck on.

see, yesterday i decided to be a nice guy and cook dinner here. nothing fancy, but i decided i wanted to also snack on some french fries. so, having not cooked anything not frozen, or boxed, or microwaveable at home in awhile, i was bound to fuck something up. and boy did i. somewhere along the line while i was frying french (freedom) fries, the fryer overran. like all over the counter. and into the sink. and onto the floor. yikes. it was quite the mess. normally i'm an excellent cook, but last night, i'm not sure where my head was at, but i'll guess somewhere in orbit close to uranus.

oh man, i slay me. nothing ever as good as a your anus joke. later in the day, i made an extra special trip to the king of fast foodeers where i ran into a register monkey that couldnt split a payment between cash and some lame gift card i got for x-mas. not really in any mood for an argument, i gave in and paid all in cash. exciting day this is turning out to be. before long i'll settle in for the cinematic masterpiece Harold and Kumar go to White Castle.

like roman candles? exactly.

2005-01-31T20:27:00.000-06:00

more things heard recently.

"mother...fuck....spina bifida"

i said this after i smashed a finger in a door at work. not sure exactly why the spine disease made its way into my swearing vocabulary, but it seemed funny a few minutes later. the co-worker that heard me say it just looked at me strange, the blank stare you get when you say something the other person doesnt understand.

"i'm going to scare the bajeezus out of her bajina"

mumbled as i was set to jump out and scare a co-worker. see, i have this thing about making work not boring, so i find all sorts of dumb things to do to keep it lively. some activities involve hiding peoples keys, scaring people, and making odd items out of other odd items. i pepper in a little work here and there and my day is complete. after 10 months of being out of work, i actually like being there. that old dread of having to go to work and feeling a little ill before is gone. i get up for it, most days.

and finally, the dream i had last night:

i was working at a coffee shop in dowtown OKC (which is weird because i've had that one twice recently, and i really dont delve into the city all that much). for some reason, we served coffee and corn dogs just off the OCU campus. i worked with an old guy that reminded me of abe vigoda and a thick black woman who didnt remind me of anyone. little work here and there, but by the end, i was in the bathroom with said female co-worker getting a little oral treatment in a bathroom stall. she was also holding corndogs in the air at the time, one in each hand. no friggin' clue what any of it means.

dixie cups, string, tape, and some meat.

2005-01-29T20:28:00.000-06:00

i keep coming across a blog titled "another man's meat". i'm not the least interested in reading anything it has to offer, i don't care what its about. so instead of talking about my own meat, lets write about some interesting things i heard lately. be it out of my mouth or into my ears, things of note that made me smile...

"dude! i just got 47 seconds at daytona!"

from 'Machismo'. calling me at work to tell me about his playstation 2 game. see, he's been off work with an injured back all week. so to alleviate his boredom, he's been playing video games. i guess in a moment of glee, he had to share his numbers with me. after he told me, i waited a second, still in half-shock. i asked him if thats all he called for, and he said yes. i then told him that i would call him back shortly to tell him he's a fucking dork. it did, however, keep me smiling until i got off of work.

"i remember those. they came in a snazzy little box."

me talking to a co-worker about something or another. after i said it, i had to pause and smirk, obviously amused at my double-entendre. she looked at me for a ssecond and asked what i was giggling at, so i guess it went over her head. likely for the better. i'm not sure if i'm a giant perv for getting something naughty out of what i said, but if so? guilty as charged.

"PUT IT IN HER A$$!"

me screaming through the ceiling at my neighbors friday night. they were having very loud intercourse, again. i decided to help them along by offering a suggestion. did they take my advice? who knows. my roommate said that after another minute or two, the noises stopped. i'd like to think that in a small way, i was involved. and hey! i didnt even have to shower afterwards. awesome.

it rhymes with 'stool'.

2005-01-27T20:14:00.000-06:00

its strange. now that i'm working again, i'm much better about updating this thing. before, when i had all the free time in the world, i was horrible. i'd go two, sometimes 3 days without even looking at it. i think we'll have to blame it on me doing more than just jobhunting. now i almost feel like i'm on some sort of regimented schedule (pronounced: shed-yule) allowing me to pattern in which to arrange tasks both menial and enjoyable.

i was at work the other day, in the bathroom. a customer comes in while i'm washing my hands and talks to me while he's taking a piss. this bothered me greatly. see, i dont like people talking to me while i'm pissing, it disturbs me. its like theres a fine line of good taste, and speaking to me while i'm doing my business is crossing that line. i thought it to be a commonality, but evidently, its not. i wonder if these people like to have a nice little chat when they're pitching the deuce. i used to have this subconscious fear that when i telephoned someone, they'd talk to me while using the toilet. i know, its dumb, but i dont want to get THAT personal with anyone. grunting and groaning while talking to me is fine and dandy on any normal occasion, but if there's feces involved? no thanks.

and last night, 'Machismo' gave me a lortab. it's been awhile since i had any to ingest on a recreational basis, so i was pleased. for a little while, until my body freaked out. i got a little weird, in a good way, and went to bed happy. i was a little warm but didnt think anything of it. so i layed in bed and listened to that album i mentioned a few days ago (dissapointing, a regression in her music, i say), and wished for sleep. it didnt come, not for 5 hours. i layed in bed, sweating and wondering what the hell was wrong with me. at 3 am, i rolled out of bed and turned on the air conditioner. i couldnt take it anymore. i was stripped down to just boxers, and even that seemed like it was too much. machismo was not at all pleased when he woke up, very very cold. i could hear him bitching in the hallway "WHAT THE FUCK?!?! THE AIR CONDITIONER?!?! ITS FUCKING FREEZING IN HERE!!!!" i got a little laugh out of the exchange and finally managed to nod off in the area of 5:30 am.

here, have a nice ham sandwich!

2005-01-26T20:10:00.000-06:00

i apologize to the ladies i offended yesterday. it was not my intention to insult everyone with a vag, only the offending parties. it does seem, more often than not, to sway more towards my example than yours. i changed the wording from "all" to "most" shortly after my post. most everyone here that i keep in contact with has proved to be fine examples of decent people (not counting that stalker bit last year, who incidently tried to re-add me to messenger and emailed me at x-mas AGAIN wanting to just be friends. uh huh, sure, whatever).
and surfing around, seeing these sites that do design are interesting, until you see the prices. maybe its just me, but for $150 it should do something special, like get up and blow me.

i went over to my sisters house sunday night. it was her husbands birthday party (sort of). just a little family get together for dinner and a couple games, as those are usually safe and easy for any celebration. so i went over, helped with some shopping beforehand and hung out. i cant recall exactly how many times i found myself watching television alone in the living room because the conversation in the group had moved to church-talk. it always does. i suppose that church is a giant part of my other family members lives, and talking about it comes naturally. so i didnt really have a problem sitting off by my lonesome, but i was starting to have a problem with the constant "Lando, why dont you come in the other room with everyone else?" probes.

i've come to grips that i'm the outsider in my own family. i'm respectful of their needs and ceremonies, and have even gone to church a few times to show family solidarity, so why is it that i dont seem to get the same respect? for the most part, they leave me alone. but on occasion, it seems like i walked into the 'church intervention' room. "you know you can always come to church with us if you want". it's human nature to sell that awesome high to others, but is it so bad that it bypasses common sense and respect? do you think they're running around preaching to muslims that pork is awesome and if they switch, they can eat all they want? ok, maybe thats a bad example (only because i see that happening).

COX CABLE

2005-01-25T20:05:00.000-06:00

it's late monday night, and i believe my interweb has been cut off. nice. i'm more than slightly angry that my payment has been lost or shuffled around somewhere, and not applied to my account. so now, i'll have to make a special trip to see them as soon as possible (Tuesday morning 10:30am). i mailed from my apartment complex, through the apartment complex's mailbox January 16th.. now, since that payment has dissapeared, i'm afraid that maybe the mail here isnt being picked up or something. i'm probably just paranoid, but after putting my car insurance and my telephone payments in it, i'm going to worry until i know better. if need be, i'll take a prybar to that bitch and liberate my bills.

i can see me standing on top of a group of mailboxes flailing wildly, waving around a giant metal spear and screaming a high-pitched war cry. i can see me driving my war wagon straight into the mailbog stronghold, hoping just to make a sizable dent in the eater of my life payments. and sadly, i can see me being arrested for doing all of these, pleading with the local constable: "but it's got my money!". it was bad timing on the disconn though, i was ten songs into the new Tori Amos album and getting excited about it. i hate cox communications. i went in, and they just received my payment. today. 9 days after i mailed it to a local address. bullshit.

'Machismo' screwed up his back. he's been home from work for 3 days and might need an MRI soon. poor guy. i can sympathize considering my fairly recent back woes (and i wouldnt complain if he wanted to share his 'happy-fun-time' pills).

and it looks like 'the Hobbit' received a couple thousand clams from the sale of dead relatives estates. 'Jagerbomb' has already managed to free him of a pile of cash and many gifts. if the lady doesnt want you, its a good idea to try and buy her back, in his mind. she also purchased a 12 pack for my fridge. way-to-go! hearing about her spending his money made me cringe, i guess most (happy ladies?) women are essentially the same. i remember sitting here hearing the tale and thinking to myself that the more 'Jagerbomb' shows us, the worse she ends up looking... almost sounds like i'm getting sick of people again, and in all honesty, i just might be. i just remember my hermit-hood a little more fondly anymore. i was hermit-ically sealed and somewhat happy, but not really.

Mr. Yuck

2005-01-24T20:02:00.000-06:00

remember the last post about embarassing dvd's? i think my roommate, 'Machismo', should be a little embarassed about his selections as of late. to his credit, he's sold most of the chick flicks. but. i've been catching him watching Boy Meets World. yeah, but i guess he isnt proud of it. everytime i walk into the room and see its on, he turns the channel. so i guess my question is 'why?'.

i was talking to 'Jagerbomb' recently, and having been dumped for the third or fouth time by the same guy, i think shes finally moved on. she's not just happy anymore with a man that has a job, she has to have a man with a good job. she wants a sugar daddy. those of you that know me, know how annoyed i am by women like this. that whole 'entitlement' thing drives me nuts. she was a little surprised when i turned to her and asked : "so what makes you think you deserve a sugar daddy?" i wasnt trying to be a dick, but honestly was curious. she's 31. she's got 2 kids. she loves to go out drinking at least 2 times a week. and, she's not gonna win that $50 for 2nd place in a beauty contest (not that i would either, but i'm just sayin').

anyone else ever get curious about people who used to be in your life? not just exes, but like old friends, or even sometimes people you barely know. i do. i always like to know how certain people are doing in their life 'post-Lando'. so you may make a phone call, write a letter, or peek at profiles. i got an email from 'the hobbit' recently. titled - "you probably wont read this." ahhh, reverse psychology, its everyones favorite. i had heard that he finally realized he had no friends left, and that moving back in with his mommy isnt doing much for him either. thats too bad, i guess. i dont know what exactly he expects from me, but if he guessed nothing, he is correct.

last note. saturday, i got a sheet of Mr. Yuck stickers. i put one on my 'white trash' hat. i was the new Mr. Yuck all day long.

feedback, if you please.

2005-01-23T19:57:00.000-06:00

i was giving this topic some thought a few nights ago. i was getting ready to go to bed, a favor for my roommate, as he was bringing over his baby's momma. she never came over, but i was obligated to lock myself away to give them privacy. i was looking at my dvd collection.

and what is it with collections like these. it could also apply to music, but it was just dvds that night. remember when you got your first dvd player and your first dvds? how new and semi-exciting it was? do you guys remember what your first dvds were? comment them to me please, i'm genuinely interested. my sister purchased my dvd player for me years and years ago for my birthday, and my parents got me a couple of dvds to go with it. check this for my parents taste in ANYTHING.

&

the funny thing about them getting me 'half baked'? i've never smoked weed in my life. hell, at the time i was a total straightedge-y kinda guy. i wouldnt even take friggin aspirin for a headache. i think sometimes my parents just had the complete wrong idea about their son. just talking to me, hell, even just looking at me, you could tell that i wasnt exactly one of the normal kids. i may have hung out with a few stoners and druggies, but i was a namby-pamby goody-two-shoes. its kind of like they expected me to be nice and 'normal', and not the total dissapointment i must have been for them.

i think where i was going, before i got sidetracked to the pity party, is that the dvd collections always start out with good intentions. you pick up a few really cool dvds that you enjoy and that other people envy. BUT. somewhere down the line your dvd collection always deteriorates into some giant clusterfuck. you end up with a handful of movies you almost have to hide when company comes over, because you're too embarassed to let people know you have them (again, comment me yours, i wont make fun. not that i could). dvd's i currently own that i am embarassed (at least a little) about:

'Spice World'

'Pokemon: I Choose You, Pikachu!'

'the Cannonball Run'

and lastly, let me apologize to you netty. for dissing 'Air' because they're french. the music is excellent, but it still does not excuse the fact that they are french. realistically, it almost evens out. same goes for Audrey Tautou (vous êtes toujours l'exception, mon amour. call me, i'm listed.)

and walks a mile before he...

2005-01-19T19:47:00.000-06:00

ok, after yesterdays post, i'm starting to think that you guys just arent very receptive to the idea of time travelling jews from the 19th century bent on brain modification. i wasnt at all being anti-semitic, being my ancestors, i would only be insulting myself now wouldnt i? i understand it's an advanced concept, but i thought you guys could handle it. i must have been wrong because that post 'went over about as well as a turd in a punchbowl'. also be warned, my week has been full of my fathers strange anecdotal colloquialisms. for the first time (and hopefully the last time) in my life, i used the phrase "colder than a well-diggers ass" and meant it. i only fear that before long i will move onto the more amusing and disgusting, 'if a pig drinks a gallon of milk before he starts...'
god save us all. especially Lando. please Save Lando.

after my roommate caught a glimpse my other site, he mentioned that naming my journal its current title might be the straw that broke the proverbial camels back. "highlights for retards? you're so going to hell." he said. mayhaps yes, mayhaps no. least i'm not going to have flipper babies when and if i decide to spawn. he's may have to cope with his child living with one or two less essential chromosomes.

needy gamete-y's.

hahahaha. ok, i'll shut up. now i may have to change the name of the page. shit. i dont need him coming here and reading about how he's going to have flipper babies, or how he had things like meet joe black and 40 days and 40 nights on dvd. knowing my name allows him power, and i'll be damned if i tear myself in two like rumplestiltskin because of it. i mean, who could handle two of me? and better yet, if both halves of me were to have sex with one woman, would it be considered a menage a trois?

pop open a cold one and think on that one awhile.

not.very.kosher

2005-01-18T19:41:00.000-06:00

yesterday, i came across a blog that devoted what had to be at least 6 paragraphs to talking about a new hamburger from burger king. holy shit, and i think i write about strange stuff sometimes? thats one that i couldn't have possibly come up with more than 3 paragraphs for. kudos to you burger fiend, if i ever get adventurous with my dining, i'll check with you first.

i woke up angry this morning. not angry because my upstairs neighbors are fucking loudly again, but angry beacuse my father and my aunt had pretty much disowned me for buying a dvd box set called 'the zion chronicles'. why would i be buying something like that? no friggin clue here, but seeing as how it was just a dream, explaining isnt really necessary. in my head, it was a comedy that was most likely, in their eyes, quite blasphemous. i remember thinking that bob odenkirk and david cross were in it, and how much i would laugh. after that, there was a discussion (by them) on how i've not chosen jesus to be my lord and savior, and how i didnt belong in the family anymore. nice. they fucking ditched me at the mall. so, having no ride, i chose to windowshop for pots/pans and boxer shorts. and you know whats sad? even in my dream i didnt have any money so i couldnt buy anything. talk about extreme suck.

so i decided to look up 'the zion chronicles'. heres an abridged version of what i found:

"The Jewish people, gazing down the vista of time, had longed for the rebirth of their nation. That day was now upon them, but could they endure its accompanying fury?"

ok. how did this get into my head? i have ancestors that were german jews back in the day, but i seriously have reservations about 1.) them psychically sending me these thoughts from the past; or 2.) them finding a time machine to escape the future atrocities of WWII Germany, travelling forward in time to visit their ancestors. sneaking into their apartments while they're sleeping, doing some sort of futuristic mind surgery on me, implanting those thoughts into my head. they'd drink all my diet soda and toy with the idea of circumcising me, AGAIN.

if i'm going to have to live in fear of this from now on, i'm going to start hanging ham from my doors and windows.

i think yesterdays thing about that certain co-worker was just a fluke. i fell victim to my weird fascination with camisoles/tank tops and track pants once again. once i say her back in her normal clothes the next day, she didnt do much for me. 'not much' meaning still some, because i'm a single guy who hasnt gotten 'any' in awhile. so i guess she could be pretty darn hideous and i couldnt find much to critique.

someone slap me, again

2005-01-17T19:39:00.000-06:00

so the other day, i'm working alone. for the first time. i fuck up. big time. one of the computers takes a monster shit on me, and about $300 worth of transactions are ready to dissapear. not real good for me. so, like i was told, i called a co-worker. but, this isnt an ordinary co-worker, this is a co-worker that my roommate has banged before. he used to have a thing with her before she went all psycho-stalker on him. he brushed her off, she hated both him and i (how did i get hated?) for the last few years. and now i work with her. yay for me! things get so bad, she decides that she needs to be up at my store to fix things. 2 minutes after i get off the phone with her, i fix everything.

thats where i feel bad. she lives like 20 miles away, has 3 kids now, and had to even stop and get gas to get there. for nothing. good news is, she laughed it off and wasnt mad at me. bad news is that she looked good doing it, to me. i should slap the shit out of myself for even having thought those evil, dirty thoughts. 1.) psycho. 2.) 3 kids (and one has to wear a safety helmet). 3.) she can't give head. (well, at least thats what i was told. it brings up a funny story one time. she spent an hour trying to get my roommate off with her mouth and only succeeded in pissing him off before he told her to get out of our old apartment. she left the place covering her mouth.) 4.) 3 MOTHERFUCKING KIDS.

ok, enough about that. as you might have noticed, i may be having a problem with those trendy little buttons you see all over nowadays. its only a matter of time before i start posting every button i can find just for the sake of having them all. they're like pokemon, you gotta catch them all. so to help combat such a stirring, striking disease, please donate to this very worthy cause to help Lando spend less time looking for buttons, and more time looking for porn like a normal person. thank you.

woogie boogie boogie

2005-01-15T19:36:00.000-06:00

it was so cold this morning when i woke up, that i woke in a panic. frozen and scared, i searched my bed frantically and found them. my nuts. they froze off. i thought about getting a small shoebox to put them in, to bury in the backyard. maybe spouting a little eulogy to make things right and make my peace before sending them off for good. farewell boys. we had joy, we had fun, all that. it was that cold, people.

so yesterday i promised, at the very least, slight mentions of cowboy ghosts and a sasquatch. i will not lie to you (now myself, thats another matter). as some of you detectives figured out already, i'm working again. i guess that no one believed i could 'kill a man in reno just to watch him die'. perhaps i should have made the one lie a little more believable, but why not pepper the quiz with that sort of exciting danger that ladies crave. ha. anyways, i work with people that i consider to be, and perhaps a great deal of medical professionals would consider to be, FREAKIN CRAZY.

a lady i've worked with maybe 3 times has amazed me with her stories of the fantastic. a day of talking about serial killers, a day of talking about near death/afterlife, and a day of talking about unexplained phenomena. thats right, i got to hear about all the ghosts that currently reside in my place of employment. theres a couple of small children who like tugging on shirt tails. theres someone who likes playing with the doors. theres someone who likes to make alot of noise and move things around in the back area. and all thats just inside.

outside, theres more. there's a cowboy who likes to walk in the front, carrying his lasso & wearing his hat, intent on making it home. this one scares the lady i work with because she doesnt believe him to be a ghost per se, but believes that somehow he stepped out of time. she's also told other co-workers about it, and shes afraid that he's come to take her back in time with him. awesome.

i was also told that sasquatch(s) migrate through the area every spring and fall. yeah, she was serious as a heart attack. she said that on more than one occasion, she's looked out the window to see one of them sitting down in the parking lot, taking a break from walking. i just kind of stared at her and tried not to laugh. it wasnt as sad as that co-worker i have who's stuck in the 80's, but it was close.

everyone loves BBQ

2005-01-14T19:32:00.000-06:00

when did the phrase 'sup' become an acceptable form of communication? i dont live amongst cavemen here, okies sure, but not cavemen. is it the cool thing to do now? i'm so far out of the loop anymore when it comes to that stuff, i still say things like "hi, how are you?". i must be a total dork to converse in such a style. maybe i should start grunting and pointing instead of saying anything at all. i could do nothing but post pictures here and type unintelligible words to express my excitement or displeasure.

i saw a man clipping his fingernails in a store yesterday. just walking around clipping his fingernails. and i thought me clipping mine at the computer was a nasty habit. givent he turn of things, i would half expect to walk into my favorite store and see someone using body lotion on themselves or washing up in a well-placed sink. sure its interesting, but there are sooo many better places to do these things. namely, where i dont have to see it, smell it, hear it, hear it, touch it, or god forbid taste it. were these people raised in a barn? well, it is oklahoma, so i'd say theres a 50/50 chance.

anyone else get a kick out of seeing that we're spending 40 million dollars on the presidential inauguration but could only manage 35 million dollars to tsunami relief? we're the richest country in the world, and we're spending more money on FUCKING BBQ next week than we will to rebuild a handful of south asian countries and their 200,000 dead citizens. nice to know we have our priorities straight. its no wonder i've been seeing those little black 'i didnt vote for bush' bracelets all over the place...

a little tease here, but if you come back tomorrow, you may just read about ghost cowboys and sasquatch.

oh hell yes, you'll be back...

(ps- 35 million expanded to 350 million after the president read this post)

incredible shrinking man.

2005-01-13T19:28:00.000-06:00

and for those of you who felt sorry for Jen yesterday, don't. she was only using me as 1) a trophy boyfriend; & 2) for sex. she'd drag me around to fabulous hollywood parties just to show me off. it was disgusting. i'm not a piece of meat.

50 lashes each to whoever had the idea of making the rock cover of Phil Collins 'In the Air Tonight' and playing it through a commercial 2,500 times a day. for those of you that havent suffered yet, its the backing track for a movie preview with Samuel L. Jackson. 'Coach Carter' , a movie about a coach who has a strict 2.3 GPA requirement for his players. way to go coach, a C-? lets make a movie about you! lets proclaim you the coolest thing since sliced bread.Quentin Tarantino has obviously stopped calling, eh Sammy?

and has anyone else been made to suffer through the latest round of anna nicole smith commercials? i think she's in vegas and posing next to a car, driving a car, and generally being herself. she starts asking questions - "like this car?" to which i answer something like "it's ok." "want some money?" and i answer "ok." "like my body?" to which i immediately vomit all over myself. the answer is NO, honey. and i know what you're thinking, ew gross, you talk to the tv? well, um...yeah. back to Anna Nicole. she's got some sort of weird stretchy thing going on with her face now, like it was pulled too tight. if i was a child, and had nothing better to worry about, i'd probably have nightmares about it. am i the only one who thinks she probably could have done with keeping a little of that weight on? 'trimspa baby', *puke*

speaking of all things weight loss related, i was playing around with 'My Virtual Model' yesterday. just having a peek at how i would look if i lost weight and all that silly junk. i think the site was meant to see how certain clothes would look on your body type or something, but why ever would you want to use it for that? i know how to dress, i know what patterns and cuts make me look fatter, so screw it, i'll play around with the pictures. for 'shits and giggles', i tried to make my guy as naked as he could be, for posting humor. sorry ladies, ha, still wearing boxers. though, i would never wear those boxers. i would most certainly opt for the ones with little elephants on them. i made the picture a progression of weight loss from left to right, curious as to what i may (or may not) look like as a thinner man. and ladies, if you feel the urge to vomit, please chew it back.

slow down ladies, the site doesnt need all that traffic en masse.

delusions of delusions of grandeur

2005-01-12T19:25:00.000-06:00

having just read my share of blogs to last me a decade (blogexplosion), i came across an interesting thing or three:

a man from the 80s was upset and dejected that he never had a mullet. he decided to sneak his 6 year old son out of the house for a haircut. he was going to give the kid a mullet. its things like this that make me rethink that whole not having kids thing. shining examples of ones love for their children in offbeat ways always make me smile. because i'm sappy like that. don't tell anyone.

another man was raising money for breast cancer by promising donations for every comment left. he had lost his wife in the last year to breast cancer, and reading any bit of his blog shows exactly how much of an impact it made on his life. poor guy, awesome cause. i would've offered my free mammogram services to women there, but i didnt want to detract from the seriousness of the cause and the good deed one man is doing. but here, ladies call me if you're interested. i'm in the book. oh, and its not malpractice if you're not really a doctor.

one girl was offering to give away the rest of her g-mail invites to whoever wanted them. since i had yet not played with gmail, i snatched one up. now. how long before i check on sending songs to-and-fro? i have a couple invites left (like 54) also, just drop me a note and i'll see what we can do.

i would be remiss if, being the pop culture fiend i am, i did not mention Brad and Jennifer's untimely break-up. it was only a matter of time, you see. for a few years, Jennifer and I have had a thing. we've only been close friends, but recently, she decided that she wanted more from me. she's tired of living the glamourous life in the spotlight, and wants to settle down for a nice normal existence with yours truly. she even partially funded my 10 month jobless foray. sweet girl really, bit of an ego though. i might have to break things off, been thinking lately that i'd be better off with someone normal.

ciao, bella.

light me.

2005-01-11T19:23:00.000-06:00

ongoing celeb crush argument :

can i see Ruthie coming over to Sister Christian's house to play Uno? no, not really, but shes always welcome at my house where we can play that and other interesting games not shown on the real world/road rules challenge. i didnt let my celebrity crush thoughts go so far as to which i'd like to bring home to family, pretty much just sticking to who i'd like to bang (first) and consider more (second). does that make me an asshole? and when did it just become the thing to criticize MY celeb crushes? you dont see me pointing out rob lowe or russell crowe's faults. i couldnt see me having an actual relationship with anyone famous regardless, it wouldnt work for a great many reasons. so i chose 3 women (who i may not have mentioned here before - was going for variety) who i am attracted to, and would love to know in the biblical sense. Sister Christian may not approve, but at least i threw in 'biblical' somewhere and she'd approve of me getting some message out.

its interesting to see how my perspective on the day has changed lately. i spent monday doing nothing. laziness i suppose, but i did accomplish one thing. i took apart my electric shaver to clean it. you want to look up the meaning of the word bored? the definition was just leaked to you. oh, and i watched 'Ghost in the Shell 2: Innocence'. glah, it was ok. didnt quite have the heady topic wrangled like the first one. i felt like i was watching some boring, run-of-the-mill crime story, peppered with far too many Shelley and Milton quotes. lazy writing on their part, which probably fits with my mood today but not necessarily my taste in movies. given the past week, and how busy i've been, the last couple of days have been extremely boring. more boring than almost every day for the previous ten months.

i also got comments! i loves it. its my precious and i would make love to it if i had more horny goat weed.

which incidently, made me feel like i was being peeled or having a full body erection the night i took some. i was sitting in a chair, watching a little television and all of a sudden i started to feel a little strange, like one of those black charcoal snakes on the 4th of july. no, not my penis, ladies. this was my whole body. it was very strange, a little scary, and a tiny bit fun. i couldnt help but feel that after a few minutes, i was close to falling out of my chair. was some weird, almost psychedelic, experience i'm considering repeating. i have to be careful though, i dont want to turn into some horny goat weed junkie...

i just like saying it.

2005-01-10T19:21:00.000-06:00

ok, so the reason my hands been hurting? maybe not so much arthritis, but from a broken bone a few years ago. i punched a filing cabinet once in an act of extreme stupidity (but not as stupid as the one time i punched a tree...). years and years ago really, and looking at my hand, its bruised, so maybe thats helping the pain too. my back, my feet, my hand; whats the deal? i'm falling apart! it must be cancer. i'm kidding, i hope.

so i wonder into my favorite local truck stop for a drink. what do i see? i see two very overweight truckers, a couple, male and female, waddle out of their truck on the same side and hold hands as they entered the building. instantly in my head: "and they call it trucker love....." walking by them was an experience, as they smelled like cabbage. SWEAR TO GOD. FUCKING CABBAGE. who the hell smells like cabbage anymore? it's virtually impossible to smell that bad, seriously. if i had to stay there and put up with smells like that all day, i'd kill myself.

so while i was there, i was perusing the energy drink section, as they are usually in the brightest colored section, and my crow-like fancy for the shiny takes over. i picked one i hadnt tried before. 'Dickens Energy Cider'. its main selling points? i half-naked devil woman on the can and the 'so awesome i cant believe it' ingredient of HORNY GOAT WEED. and i'm telling you, you dont know flavor until you've tried horny goat weed. from the can: "Horny Goat Weed is believed to potentially increase sexual potency, prowess and appetite in both men and women." oh yeah, thats all i need. maybe if i'm lucky i can produce more sperm and my fucking testicles can swell to the size of ripe grapefruits. any of you ladies have a juicer?

seriously, vitamin c is excellent for you.

'the Swede' had some criticisms for my celebrity crush list posted a few days ago. i guess she didnt like any of the women i listed. Brody Dalle is too grungy and dirty, and whereas i agree with that assessment, i wont take her off the list. Ruthie Alcaide was put down as an alchoholic lesbian that 'seems to smell dirty'. and Cate Blanchett was described as having an 'air of snobbery'. Say what?!?!?! i cant justify my choices, these are unconscious attractions to celebs. well, in Cate's case, how could you not like her?

what? like hatching eggs?

2005-01-09T19:19:00.000-06:00

i just got off the phone with sister christian. she had a nice long conversation with my mother and gave me the good news. my mother is not only dating a man 8 years older than i am, but he's still married, and they as a couple have decided. they want to have a baby so shes going to start taking fertility drugs. christ, my family is turning into the jerry springer show. my moms almost 50, the last thing she needs is to have another child. hows this going to work for me? what, i'm going to have a half-sibling? i cant handle that. it's always just been my sister and i, and thats the way we like it. i didnt hardly need to hear about my mother not having HER FUCKING PERIOD FOR THE LAST 2 MONTHS. thanks sister christian for the update.

do i at least get a free t-shirt?

you wont be laughing if i win.

2005-01-08T19:12:00.000-06:00

because i am being peer-pressured into it....:

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
1) Jerkle (with friend Heckle)
2) Plaid Pair of Pants
3) Humble_Pi
THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1) two words: AWESOME HAIR
2) my sense of humor
3) i'm pretty empathic and sensitive.
THREE THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1) my weight
2) i'm only slightly hypochondrical
3) way too sarcastic
THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1) German
2) English
3) Scottish
THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1) Mayonaisse
2) Social Interaction
3) being alone
THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1) Masturbation
2) Diet Soda
3) Interweb
THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1) Black Socks
2) Black Bracelets
3) Blue and White Plaid Boxers
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS OR MUSICAL ARTISTS (at the moment):
1) the Cure
2) the Streets
3) Foetus
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS (at the moment):
1) "Empty Cans" - the Streets
2) "the Only Living Boy in New York" - Simon & Garfunkel
3) "Elephant Woman" - Blonde Redhead
THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS:
1) the Sex (more please)
2) Working
3) Losing weight
THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:
1) Honesty
2) Fidelity
3) Sweaty Monkey Sex
TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE?:
1) I have caught my penis in my zipper more times than you could ever imagine.
2) I have a job.
3) I killed a man in Reno just to watch him die.
THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1) Hair
2) Hips
3) Height
THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO:
1) Sing
2) Pee with someone watching me
3) lie to you, baby
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1) Interwebbe
2) Gnome Collecting
3) finding great new music
THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1) Pee
2) Get a Massage
3) Sleep
THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:
1) Teaching (scary huh)
2) Chef
3) Fat Model
THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
1) Tokyo
2) London
3) Moscow
THREE KID'S NAMES:
1) Me Jr.
2) Aurora Jane
3) Betty Lou Blotnick of East Cupcake, Illinois.
THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1) Get old
2) Travel
3) Fall in love againnd be successful in it
THREE WAYS I AM STEREOTYPICALLY A BOY:
1) I Have a Penis (beat that ladies!.. no seriously, beat it. please?)
2) Sports, anytime
3) I curse... A LOT.
THREE WAYS I AM STEREOTYPICALLY A CHICK:
1) i'm way too into my hair
2) i'm very tidy
3) i've been entering the HGTV dream home giveaway every day since Jan. 1st.
THREE CELEB CRUSHES:
1) Cate Blanchett

2) Ruthie Alcaide

3) Brody Dalle

before you read this, i apologize

2005-01-07T19:10:00.000-06:00

its been so bitterly cold here, that i'm using two comforters and two blankets just to sleep without my teeth chattering. i woke up this morning and my hands ached. badly. great, i think, arthritis. had twinges of this feeling before, but never this bad. it sucks ass. i spent alot of time outside in the weather yesterday, and am now beginning to think it wasnt the greatest idea. thats me though, king of bad ideas. maybe someday i'll grow out of it.

also: my roomie got quite the kick out of hearing that my cat farted on my face last night. i guess its just not enough that i have to pick up my bath towel from the floor every morning because of that cat, but need to suffer through kitty stank also. he was following the cat around earlier asking Holden if he blew ass.

we're starting to run low on supplies. eating bologna sandwiches and ramen is fine and dandy, but even those are getting old. if i dont have some money rolling in soon, we might be looking at a general disaster. oh the humanity, indeed. well, um, thats if you dont count ramen as a disaster already, which i'm starting to lean towards anyway. and its funny, i'd like to think of another food that sounds really good to eat, and that i would drop anything to have right now, but for some reason, it all sounds bad. i dont want any of it.

so really, enough about me. what about you? how are you? hows the family? did johnny get that bb gun he wanted for x-mas?

glah, i dont know. hell, i feel brain dead right now. this last week or so has been so busy that i feel i havent had time to stop and think, let alone write. through the course of the day i have 100 things pop into my head to write about, but never remember any of them when i have a chance to sit down and actually do it. i need a hobby. or sex. oooh, or maybe a hobby and sex, or sex as a hobby. and some money....

Bad Lando!

2005-01-05T19:06:00.000-06:00

for proof that its not me thats obsessed with testicles, see my notes. and you know, after writing that, i should write something about mine, but cant think of anything. DAMN THE IRONY.
i've barely watches television lately, but a few things have caught my attention, for good or bad. it looks like this entry might be idiot box riddled today. things that i have heard on tv lately:

"the best shark movie since Jaws." -- this one confuses me, because i cant think of any shark movies since the Jaws series. are they saying its better than Jaws 3?!?! that shit was in 3-D! i contest their statement, and will never see their movie. no, not because of that, but because it just looks dumb and i've seen plenty of dumb already. i see it everywhere i look. DUMMIES!

i also get way too big a kick out of one of the new Taco Bell commercials. the halloween/costume party where one guy goes as full, the man standing next to him is a pirate. everything the pirate says makes me howl with laughter. "i'm a pirate." my family was even looking at me weird last night when it happened again, that is, me laughing hysterically by myself.

so yeah, last night was a family night sort of. the national championship game was on, and our team was in it, so we had to. it was so much fun that sister christian, her husband and i left at halftime. it was already a blowout by then, and not a good one. it was a pretty dissapointing night overall. my stomach started acting up again and i got sick (again), which more than anything contributed to my early departure. hope my dad wasnt too dissapointed that we decided to bolt before the end, but am sure he was relieved to agonize the loss out of the gaze of his children. seriously, 55-19. ouch.

i threw caution to the wind and rented 'Garden State' last night on my way home. was hoping for Garden State and Shaun of the Dead, but i was s.o.l. on the latter. after the football game, i popped it in the dvd player and settled in. it was a pretty good movie. it got great reviews, and i had heard many people say good things about it, but i thought it lacked a little depth. i thought it was headed a certain place and it never got there, so maybe thats 'my bad'. i'd still recommend it to anyone whos tired of the same old cookie cutter shit being pumped through the theaters year-round.

and for those of you that seem to think i've lost interest in you, know thats not the case, and that i've just been busy lately. i havent had much computer time, and am trying to get caught back up on everything.

like little tiny ants

2005-01-03T19:03:00.000-06:00

just a warning to you locals. there is in fact a bad pecan pie thing going around. DO NOT EAT IT. it will kill you, or eat you, or at least make your stomach feel very ishy. i'm serious.

hey guys? did you notice something? i didnt do that whole 2004 year in review junk. why? dont think i can stomach it, going back through my year to write about it again? shit, i havent wanted to write lately anyway, why revisit a whole year of crap to fill a diary page. hell, i can post a couple of pictures for you and fix all that. not that i will....maybe. and really, i wrote an entry or two last year, if you want to know my thoughts on it, what better to read an entry from the actual moments. ok fine, i'm lazy. i'd even give you a list of the years best, because that sounds like a novel idea, had i any clue. someone make a quiz, i know how some of you wacky kids like doing that stuff.

i spent the first day of 2005 sitting on my ass watching bowl games on tv. exciting i know. sunday was a little better though. 'Jagerbomb' managed to snag 6 tickets to the OU basketball game. see, i'm not a big fan of basketball. i havent been for about 15 years, just cant hold my interest. but hey, free tix. seeing as how i'd never been to a pro or college basketball game before, i figured why not? i called up the dad and stepmom and we all went.

my father had a general idea of where the lloyd noble center was when we left. when i heard that, i started to worry, as thats usually the beginning of a very bad and angry story. luckily, he had a clue (the men in my family are geniuses i tell you). we get there an hour before gametime, and lucky, it took us almost as long to descend the stairs to our seats. we were courtside. it was awesome. i'm 6'3" and it still surprised me how little the players were. very strange seeing all these larger than life images from tv dwarfed by real life perception. it was alot of fun, stuck in with the hecklers and not too far from the cheerleaders, how can anyone hate that? we were so close, it reminded me of another sporting event i went to @ 14 years ago.

picture beautiful downtown oklahoma city, wwf wrestling, two impressionable and easily embarassed children, and my mother getting excited at seeing muscular shirtless men screaming "LET'S SEE SOME SWEAT!!!!". definitely cringeworthy, and to this day, an indelible nightmarish memory for sister christian and i.

maybe its not the pecan pie that was making me sick, maybe it was memories like that. still though, i'd stay away from both if i were you.

2nd Place is like King of the Losers (unless it's a loser contest)

2005-01-02T18:56:00.000-06:00

and the award for second most pathetic new years eve goes to:

ME.

second you ask? well yes. see, 'the Hobbit' called and text-messaged 'Jagerbomb' 35-40 times over the course of the night to see if they could hang out. she of course, had plans, and didnt really want to spend any night with him anyway. what did i do? well, i didnt have that job interview (but thanks to all who wished me luck for it), and because of a babysitting snafu, the hockey game didnt happen either. hell, i didnt even drink anything but water that night. sad, i know. i took a bath to wash some latex paint off me (no, no liquid latex fun or anything) and settled down for a night of watching bad television from my bedroom. by bad i mean Dick Clark's Rockin New Years Eve. holy shit it was bad. i mean when you have acts like Billy Idol, Big & Rich, and Earth, Wind, and Fire (with Kenny G) as your headliners? you need to pack it in and call it a career. i saw no fewer than 4 acts lip sync to their music. jesus, no wonder the man had a stroke. at least when he was young (kinda) music just sucked instead of it sucking AND everyone faking it.

so, lets see. its beena few days, and i should have written a couple times already to get this out. now i'm going to rush everything and do it no justice. friday. new years eve. since i didnt have that job interview, i went with my roommate to do some maintenance work at his aunts daycare. extra money for me, though not yet. we spent a good 10 hours painting that fucker. good lord i was sore the next day. i couldnt help but spent a decent amount of time thinking about how awesome the place would be to live in, well, you know, without all the kids and stuff. the place was massive and old, clearly built to be something much more than just a house (you'd never know by looking at it from the outside). in fact, the only problem with it was a floody basement and a location in a not so friendly part of town (classen & 10th to you locals). having not worked in so long, you'd think i'd show signs of it. no way. i was ecstatic just to be out doing something again. hell, i must have worked a solid 6 hours straight before i thought about a break, and even then, only because i was hungry.

was a few funny moments. my roomie dragging around an extention cord for a drill through wet paint and all over the tile flooring and carpet. discovering that the little boys bathroom has two toilets, but only one toilet paper dispenser. discovering the massive turd in the little girls bathroom. watching a homeless man across the street yelling at cars, trying to pick a fight. examining giant cans of tuna. playing checkers with the roommate while sitting in a motorized childs wheelchair. you know, normal stuff.

i guess it all wasnt so horrible in the end. the overall depressing feelings of a usual new years didnt show up for the first time in awhile. i'm not sure what it means really, that i'm comfortable being alone (ha), or that maybe i'd finally decided to not dwell on everything for one night. it's a start, right?

or maybe that cousin that worships satan...

2004-12-27T21:54:00.000-06:00

in my last entry, i spoke of giving myself a haircut, but failed to elaborate on the results. i'm sure all you fine women out there caught that and were just a little too timid to ask how everything turned out. well. considering that i was the one who did it, on a scale of one to ten, i'd have to give it a fucking 13. seriously. its the best self-haircut EVAR. dont argue. have you ever given yourself a haircut? note me.
and more elaboration.

i was in a hurry or something last entry and didnt get around to expounding on anything. i think i spent too much time finding that 'boss' picture of the flowbee. ok, so sister christian insulted me, and i think i sounded like i was just complaining, or took it to heart way too easily. i guess in alot of ways i have this inferiority complex when it comes to my sister. i'm smarter, but thats about it. its like in that movie Twins. Arnold Schwarzenegger was born first, to he got all the dominant traits, Danny DeVito was pretty much just the leftover crap that was worthless. in that example, i'm Danny DeVito (but much taller and less bald). ok, maybe thats a bad example. say you swallowed a quarter, and it takes a couple bowels movements to work it out.... ok, maybe thats a bad example also. fuck it. you know how every family has that one seemingly retarded or embarassing family member? maybe its some wacky uncle who lost an arm in a combine, or collects every issue of highlights for kids. you know what i'm talking about.

i feel, most of the time, that i'm destined to be that family member (if i'm not already). the black sheep. the ugly duckling. the rotten apple. the John Merrick of my clan. IT ALL CANT BE PARANOIA! i'm reasonably intelligent (i.q. pushing 50 even!), there has to be something to this all. one time, i found out that my sister and her husband had a bet on what shirt i was going to wear on a certain day. i didnt know how to take it, but years later, i still remember. i remember everything. central park in fall. how you tore your dress. what a mes...shut it. so you people read me, am i blowing this way out of proportion? or am i that family member?

got invited out for new years. 'Jagerbomb' is busy getting people together to go to a Blazers Game, followed by a night of drinking. she just got kinda dumped for the second time in less than a week, so shes been busy trying to line up the dates to show that it didnt bother her. she's been trying to get me and 'Machismo' to tag along with the promise of women. "so-and-so is bringing...." blah blah. i have to admit, its a good strategy. offering a man dying of thirst and nice big glass of water? how can he turn it down? in the midst of her trying to find herself a date, i, trying to be the understanding friend, told her something. i said that she's just got out of a few relationships, and none that ended well, so that there was no shame in going out on new years alone with friends. i got this in return: "what? its new years, i don't want to be some fucking loser without a date."

at that point i had machismo remove the knife from my back

I.Q. dropping...

2004-12-26T21:52:00.000-06:00

you know, in a past diary entry i made a comment. i believe the comment was about how i was nowhere near stupid enough to cut my own hair. NOT ANYMORE BABY! I'M JUST THAT FUCKING STUPID! wooohooo! thats right. broke + bored + alone = recipe for disaster. christmas eve was the night, and people made the mistake of leaving me to do very stupid things. i had wondered into the bathroom, glanced at the hairclippers and mulled the options for a good 5-6 seconds. it wasnt until i was halfway around my head that the "maybe this is a bad idea" thought popped into my head. flashes of bad hair x-mas photos with the family littered my mind, but i couldnt just stop then, it would have been horrible then. so i kept going and the hair got progressively shorter and shorter. yikes. about every hour on the hour after i thought i was done i would go back and touch it up some more. all-in-all, i lost about 47 lbs worth of hair. and all without a flowbee...

the only problem with it? i couldn't exactly see the back of my head, so i had to guess how it looked. 'Jagerbomb' said she'd come over and look at it, and fix it up if necessary. would have been cool if it would have happened, but she passed out (and i guess it was x-mas eve so i cant be mad at anyone). i had to go to the family gathering with that hair, good or bad. doesnt mean i wasnt completely paranoid about it. hell, i even wore a hat on x-mas day just to cover up the hair. a mistake, mind you, wearing that hat, as later it would make me feel bad. it was a black, flex-fit tiger woods hat. i like it because 1.) its black. 2.) it's flex-fitted & 3.) it breathes, lets the air in easy. sister christian asked me if the initials T & W stood for 'white trash'. she's in no way trying to insult me, but i had no choice but to feel hurt by it. see, i've always got the impression that my sister and her husband are a bit of elistists. the things they do and say sometimes help that impression more than detract from it. i feel like they look down on me alot. i cant blame them, they're young, successful, and extremely happy. so far, i'm just young (and thats debatable).

other than that, it was a good time with the family on christmas. played lots of games, and in my family, thats something. my fathers side is chck-full of competitive nature. i totally get it from him. at one point during a heated game of 'wahoo', my father obviously more than disgusted, broke one of my stepmothers chairs. we didnt know how to react. it was hilarious that he got all worked up, but he was upset at the chair breaking. my father turned beet red, and my sister, my uncle, and i tried to supress the laughter. after that, we were made to play on a card table with folding chairs. after all was said and done, i blamed my sister and screamed out the phrase we heard all too often when we were kids. "we just cant have anything!"

maybe some more later....hope everyone had a merry one.

the 'New Yorker' aint got shit on me.

2004-12-17T21:49:00.000-06:00

i had, by all intents and purposes, decided to write something about a time when i passed out from exhaustion while masterbating. i changed my mind, you people know far too many embarassing facts about me already. i mean really, what do i know about you? where's the dirt on you guys? every day here i'm digging a bigger hole for myself, and i don't see anyone trying to catch up with me. i'm very dissapointed in you. so now, i'm newly committed to writing nothing but high-class entries about moral superiority and uppity subjects such as wine tasting or blue-blood breeding. no more will i be subject to low-class dick and fart jokes (or talking about my balls). you're not gonna have me to kick around anymore, fuckers!

well, it was worth a shot. i got bored with it before i even got started. a pity, really. how's this instead. my roomie and i went out shopping today for his sons x-mas presents. his only requirement of the day? to find a toy that was so nerve-splitting, so annoying that it would drive the childs mother insane in mere moments. AWESOME. we wondered around a few major-named stores buying toys, and even popped into the mall looking for shirt in hot topic for the toddler. no such luck. since i was not driving either time, i was overruled and made to suffer. have i gone off on hot topic lately? or mall folk in general? i might need to if i make yet another trip there in the next fortnight. its that or a semi-automatic fueled rampage where i would take an immense amount of pleasure in filling the mall fountain with the blood of the infidel.

and its late right now. i'm wondering if my new upstairs neighbors will let me sleep beyond 8am. it hasnt happened yet, but perhaps thats just because i havent wished it hard enough. should i be throwing shoes at my ceiling and screaming at them to shut the fuck up? i havent yet, but i'm willing to try. i had to yell at the MCI people this morning. see, everyday, about 7:30am, MCI calls my house. i never answer but can only assume its to try and get me to switch long distance carriers. i finally answer today, the scond time they called, and started screaming into the phone. what happened? nothing but static from their end. what the hell? you actually expect someone to change to your service when the static is so bad that you can't hear anything? is it so insane to expect common sense from people?

really? that sucks ass.

sock puppets at dawn

2004-12-16T21:46:00.000-06:00

i forgot to tell this lame story before. i was trying to eat a sandwich for dinner the other night (wasnt that hungry) in my bedroom. i was watching some movie and didnt feel like missing any of it, so it was a quick sandwich and back to it. halfway through it, Holden wonders into the room. he stops, looks at me, then followed with what i swear to god was a smile before jumping in his litter box. he took the nastiest smelling shit i've ever been witness to. there i was, holding the sandwich, gazing in horror at what my cat had just done. look at the box. look at my sandwich and frown. look at box. look at the sandwich i didnt want anymore. it reminded me instantly why i dont eat in my bedroom anymore. little fucker wont let me have anything. is it not bad enough that he just has to stare with so much interest when i'm feverishly beating off?

my roomie asked me to help him out delivering a car today. we have to deliver it to a town called 'Pink, Oklahoma'. i don't know about any of you, but i think thats an awesome name for a town. now, if there were anything more than 50-90 year old flannel wearing gummers, someone might be able to convince me to move there. no such luck now that i know the truth. i will, however, consider a move to 'Seminole, Oklahoma'. home of the only place i've ever been to that had kids swimming in the ditches alongside the road. not sure if i mentioned this before, but my friends and i were treated like rock stars (or aliens) there, being from 'the city'. we almost started a fight in the local mcdonalds, the girls working there all wanted to touch our mcnuggets. i chalked it up as a twilight zone episode and moved on.

i'm telling you, if you came here for anything more than shit stories and bad nugget puns today, you're s.o.l; its all thats in the tank right now. sure, i could go on for hours about how i do nothing but shake anymore. how lately, any form of warmth is scarce. how i'm petrified that my worst fears are unfolding before my eyes. all that and more, but no one wants to read that shit. last thing i need to do is bring everyone down right now. i'd much rather settle for grandiose tales of the exciting. pirate attacks, dinosaur rampages, or deadly duels in a thick fog. i think you're right there with me...

share the popcorn.

only 10 shopping days left ('til armageddon)

2004-12-14T21:43:00.000-06:00

ever worry about something so much that you made yourself physically ill? yeah, me too. lately, i've been bogged down with that and insomnia. stress, again, is ruining my days. i went so far yesterday as to call my former boss and enquire as to her stores hiring situation, and i hate that fucking job. i finally caved in and sent out the family flare for job help. wonderful. i'll be wearing a paper hat in no time. would you like fries with that?

did a little shopping last night with sister christian. shes great. always encouraging, and she listens. its like having a sister thats just like me. i'm not sure what my mother smoked when she was pregnant with us, because lord knows it wasnt her parenting skills, but whatever it was, it worked. we turned out fairly normal and well adjusted (maybe a stretch on my part), and both with a keen empathic sense and eye for fashion. ok, now i'm making things up. since i drew my fathers name (not really, i wasnt even there when they drew), i did a little purchasing of things i would normally never buy. that paired with free merchandise from 'Jagerbomb' should make a nice x-mas for the old man.

special thanks to Jagerbomb for the hook ups. apologies to 'the Swede' for the fantasy football. i feel responsible, and thus, am ashamed for your defeat. i will now hide myself in complete embarassment.

so back to the shopping. ever spent 30 mins trolling around the local bath and body works? of course YOU have, you're all women. for me, on the other hand, this was a first. christ, i hate that place. no really, its hell for the straight man. i was subjected to hundreds of different odors, all of which i had to give my opinion on. i was game for the first few, but when i found out that my opinion didnt really matter, i grew weary. not only was i some sort of guinea pig for my nose, apprently i had to be the recipient of at least one lotion on the nose joke. thanks sis, dont make me take back my kind words. at least she could have hit me with a good scent, fuck, i feel like someone rinsed my face with a douche. what was it? moonlight path? does that sound right?

and not only did i spend a generous amount of time in one mall, i got to visit two. and didnt even get to sit on santas lap and tell him what i want. oh, but in the first mall, there was some sort of childrens rap/costume concert thing going on. one whole end of the mall dedicated to obnoxious little shits dressed as elves rapping to x-mas music. haha, i just remembered! sister christian decided to buy my mother some hickory farms crap. and let me remind everyone that this, in my mind, is always a giant 'FUCK YOU' of a gift. i hate hickory farms. period. the woman that worked there decided to tell my sister her entire life story. my sister, being polite, listened to it while she was being checked out. after about 30 seconds, i turned to sis and said "i'm going to wonder off to get away from this woman". haha, sis was pissed. i just wondered around smiling real big, trying to get my sister to laugh at this sad excuse for customer service.

SHUT YOUR FUCKING HOLE WOMAN, SELL US THE SAUSAGE AND BITCH AT SOMEONE ELSE.

no shit, horsecock.

2004-12-11T21:40:00.000-06:00

it's very early saturday, and the stress is getting to me. badly. i think i got around 3 hours sleep before i woke up and started worrying again. things are bad, christmas is almost here, and if i stopped to think about it too much, i would start shaking. its almost as if living (or surviving is probably the better term here) is overwhelming. it's too much on my plate. i feel like i'm cracking, and i'm not sure i can hold it together long enough to make a run at any certain thing. its quicksand, and even though i realize that my struggle only makes it worse, i also realize that were i not to, i would also sink. there's a hummingbird in my chest.
i thoroughly blame 'the Chronicles of Riddick'. not because it had anything to do with what i say or feel, i just felt like i had to blame something after being made to watch it last night. now i'm not saying there was some bad acting going on or anything, because i honestly thought it was better than i feared, but poop-on-a-stick action theater would a) have better dialogue; & b) probably be as exciting without all those fancy schmancy special effects. someone call me to make that happen, i need sticks and a super 8.

i also watched 'Hero'. the jet li movie. reminding everyone that i usually find jet li thoroughly yawn inspiring, i really liked this one. very, very beautiful to watch. maybe it was some sort of latent-retard, bright-color sedative for my stress addled brain, i'm not entirely sure. i can though, shamefully, attest that at least on two occasions that phrases such as "ooh, pretty!" stumbled from my mouth unchecked. i was so distracted by the sea of colors; the camerawork, and a wonderful side story, i had almost forgotten about jet li in lethal weapon 4 (yikes).

so yeah, you noticed. i was at home watching movies on a friday night. while invited out again, finances just would not permit an unintelligent night of irresponsible bar-hopping. i mean sure, if thats what grandma really wants for x-mas, i'm more than happy to oblige. sadly, its not what she's getting, me opting for a leg massager to ease her old bones back into comfort. see, if i had a vag and a pair of breasts, all this would be an afterthought. i'd be drinking on some poor schlubs dime, under the impression that i'll put out. sorry bud, i'm just another tease; better luck next time...sucker.

writing here is both good and bad for me right now. the longer i write, and further i run away from my problems, the better i feel. the bad is that i'm waking up at 6 am on a saturday (not like i had plans anyway..but still). i'm starting to wonder things like "i wonder what cartoons the kids watch on saturday mornings now. they had better not suck." i only say this because the last time i attempted saturday morning cartoons, it was full of Yu-Gi-Oh and some weird sci-fi sherlock holmes. sci-fi john holmes might have been funnier to watch, but not in the least for kids. hell, thats the kind of thing that scars kids for life.

and i'm no good at chess...

2004-12-08T19:55:00.000-06:00

ah, the sweet, disgustingly pink nausea of pepto bismol. no kids, the hot pepto-bismol dancing lady isnt here comforting me in my dire illness (or dancing on my computer desk lustily to much applause), only a small bottle of the strangest thing ever. the aftertaste is horrible, but its wonderful in your mouth. i really like it, so much that i do my shot, and hold it in there for a minute. its nice and cool, a little bubbly, and nasty-thick. you know you love it too. i'll save everyone from overly grotesque tales of bodily seepage of any kind, only telling you that i've been having a very rough 24 hours.

the only thing i've come up with in explaining my illness is food-poisoning. hell, its pretty much the only explanation. i havent been porking some unclean but surprisingly pretty young woman lately, but i have been eating things i dont normally ingest. also, cancer has not been ruled out in the least. judging by the state of my breath when i woke up, i also cannot judge out something dying deep in there. let me say something about breath. you know that when you can smell your own, it's not in a good state. maybe if i'm lucky, i got some sort of newfangled tapeworm. TAPEWORM PARTY AT MY HOUSE!

i think i'll end this short today as the icy hand of death surely is upon me.

Gobble This.

2004-11-26T19:53:00.000-06:00

well then. the day after. i hope everyone had a fine turkey day, ate alongside family until you burst, and then ate some more. i know i found myself eating way too much, and bringing hope way more than i ever expected. now if i can only keep myself from devouring a certain pecan pie in one sitting, i will chalk it up as a modern miracle. i will praise allah, buddha, and the man jesus; or not. i do likes me some pie.

i woke yesterday not knowing where i was going to be (if anywhere). ok, maybe thats not entirely true. my resolve of not going to my brother-in-laws parents house had been weakening against the alternative of me staying home. after about 4-5 hours of bad, bad post-drinking sleep, i was woken by my sisters telephone ring. and i still contend to this day, phone calls are one of the worst ways to wake up. i folded like a weak plastic chair under me, and assented to thanksgiving in a foreign land. one catch. i had an hour to get ready and get there.

what the fuck? one hour? thats not nearly enough time to choke one out, shower, check my email, and get dressed. shit, on holidays i'm supposed to be able to wake up and take it easy, not this insane rush that didnt matter in the end. i bet 'the Swede' had plenty of time to relax. i bet she woke up at the ass-crack of dawn, ran to her tv so she could 'flick her bean' to images of giant inflated garfields and snoopys floating their way down Broadway thanks to Macy's. seriously, Swede, your Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade fetish is fucking weird. (porno for you)

the rest of the day consisted of turkey, football, and pie. oh, and there was a game of trivial pursuit mixed in there. we finally convinced sister christian to play one. we paired up into teams, i with my father, she with her husband, and my stepsister (kinda?) with her know-it-all husband. was like turkeys to the slaughterhouse i tell you, and i dont see us playing it again without any protest. i may have to throw a game or to by dumbing it down if i dont want any problems. its strange, my family loves games. i guess we're super competitive because every family get-together seems to center around playing a game, or watching a game.

all-in-all, i'd have to say it was a pretty good thanksgiving. hell, no one died, i left my apartment, and my nose didnt get bloodied (like thanksgivings passed), so it had to be halfway decent. i do believe the Iowegians are in town this weekend, so i'm not sure where i'll be dragged off to (but am not ruling out a quick run to dallas for porn for the 100th time. anyone need anything while i'm out?).

Uncle Fester

2004-11-25T19:50:00.000-06:00

i just got home from another wednesday night bar sojourn. things were a little different tonight. Jagerbomb got both 'Machismo' and Dr Booty to come. machismo's been with us, and that was cool, but i should have declined the night out after i was informed of the 4th parties presence. by then it was already too late, and things were set in stone, we'd just have to cope with the docs antics.

i had a pretty shitty night. i could not drink enough booze to fend off the headache or annoyance from hearing about another club that we had to go to, because there was alot of pussy there. not just normal pussy, guaranteed pussy. before we picked him up, i asked them how long it would be before we had to listen to this other club bullshit. see, i'm no dummy. the doc likes to dance, drink, and philander. the man is married, with a child in diapers, and one in the oven. doesnt keep him from obsessing over any hole that passes by him though. turns out, we didnt even make it to the bar before we had to hear it.

and even after blowing all his money on beer, he insisted we go to where there was assured pussy waiting. he must have asked a good 100 times. thats not an exaggeration, i promise. it pretty much ruined my night. i wondered off, played some pool, and just tried to stay away from him. i've known the man for going on 12 years, and he never ceases to amaze me with how much of a fucking scumbag he is. he was panhandling at the bar to pay for the cover at the other club. classy. Jagerbomb got upset, i was upset, she spent a good deal of the night apologizing to me and promising that the dr wouldnt be invited again. from her lips to 'gods' ears.

after finally realizing his pursuit was pointless, he set about hooking himself and machismo up with some chicks. when he came over to the bar bragging about getting M hooked up, i pointed to the table and asked which one was M's. "the fat one, duh!" he could have said anything else and i would have been cool with it. she was very cute, but yeah, was a little overweight. no biggy on my part, but hey, it wasnt me. in the end, M didnt remember the girls name (and is expecting a call from her that i'm probably going to have to screen), and the dr got a semi-address. semi-address meaning an apartment complex in a nearby city, and the cryptic "apt f".

ok, here my problem. well, one of the many i had tonight. the 'fat girl' comment. i'm a fat guy. hey, i wont sugarcoat it. but do people not know what that does to a person? being referred to as 'the fat one' instead of 'the one with the cute smile', 'the blonde one', or 'the one in the black shirt'. why bother with any of those? hell, she's the fat one, but shes good enough to fuck i guess (once). i'm just fucking disgusted with people right now. everyone. i had to listen to this other club garbage for HOURS. i got to hear about how its so different there, and how people are cool, and theres nothing to worry about. shit, i've heard all that before. i've been to clubs where i've been ridiculed, FUCKING RIDICULED for being overweight. these were the so-called 'cool' clubs, where no one was supposed to judge me. christ, and people wonder why i was depressed all the time.

skinny friends that will never know whats its like to be overweight. never have to carry that burden (har), and try to maintain some semblance of a normal life. i feel like i'm a goddamned social retard. i may make that joke alot, but deep down, i fucking believe it. its all so easy for some people. lifes one big game, and everyones happy. no ones wades through a fucking cesspool of shit they call life, no ones left out, no one struggles with anything. forgive me if i'm not making much sense, half-drunken 3 am rants are not my strong-suit.

we leave the bar, and are bombarded with the dr's requests to find this girls apartment. "its in midwest city. in an apartment complex. apt f. cmon, lets go, i can get us an afterparty." we are annoyed so much by it, that we went, just so we could try to drop him off. no luck. he wanted to drive around the city until we found the right one. then when i started suggesting names, he agreed that what i said might be right. know what i said? the fucking street that he lives on. he wasnt even coherent enough toknow his own address. we decided to take him home, amidst him begging for a cell phone to call information. he had the girls first name, and in his mind, that was enough to find her phone number. lord knows theres only one Carol in the oklahoma city metro area.

so Carol, if you're the one from Henry Hudsons Pub, get in contact with me, his wife and kids are out of town, but only for a short while.

ever been in a turkish prison?

2004-11-21T19:45:00.000-06:00

last night, 'Jagerbomb' was over here talking about her new main squeeze. after close to 2-3 hours of non-stop chatter about him, she stopped.... then asked me what i thought of him. i'm not sure why i got so big a kick out of it. in my head all i heard was "but enough about what i think of him. what do you think of him?", so its natural i blurt out laughing. right? its ok, i'll just give her shit about it anytime i see her.
and today, during my 8 hour football thing, my mother called. wonderful. i've spoken before on how much i enjoy talking to my mother. i imagine it being as much fun as a thorough physical done by a doctor with massive knuckles. ok, maybe not as much fun, but they're right there, neck-in-neck. get this. after saying hello to her, the first thing she says? "you need to move here!". ok, since she decided to pack up and leave her kids for some internet boyfriend in virginia, almost everytime we (sister christian & I) talk to our mother, she says this. invites us to move there so we can live with her. yeah. like we're fucking 12 years old again or something. we ignore it, tell her 'no thank you' to be polite. tonight, i almost told my mother to fuck off.

thats very strange for me. i dont even swear in front of my parents or grandparents, i always thought it disrespectful. and hell, it doesnt keep me from swearing like a sailor everywhere else to make up for it. see, my mother not only asked me that one time to move there, but insisted on asking me every 30 seconds, and then decided to make an argument for it. "you can come here and live in our new place, all you'd have to pay for is your food."; "(her mans name) can get you a job here working with him. it's internet technology, so you'd enjoy it."; "i work 2 blocks from where we live! i even walk to work." then about 4,000 blood vessels in my eyes and brain exploded. my mother has never done anything to calm me, or make me feel any more comfortable. if anything, i've been the adult in the relationship (for the most part). she's been playing the favorites card since she and my father divorced, and was pretty upset when my sister and i decided we werent choosing between the two.

plus seriously. her boyfriend is damn creepy. he's like 13 years younger than my mother and 6 inches shorter (she's 5'6"). he's like 8 years older than i am!!!! jesus, that would be a fucked up living situation. then she bugs me about thanksgiving. someone save me. so i dont have thanksgiving plans, its not really a massive deal. my father and his wife are doing t-g with her family, my sister and her husband will be with his family, and i'm the odd man out. its not the end of the world, thought when talking to my mother, you wouldnt have come to that conclusion. i'll just snag a turkey sandwich or something, no big.

ok, its going to suck ass.

lair of the white wolf

2004-11-16T19:41:00.000-06:00

"the mysterious side of your nature makes you most alluring."

or at least thats what my fortune cookie said, do me a favor cookie? yeah, go tell every woman you see this. 'machismo' and i decided to go get some thai food yesterday. theres a nice little place about 200 yards from here that specializes in such, so we stopped in. it always takes about 15 minutes to get our shit ready, so i talked the roomie into going into a neighboring comic book shop with me. one i'm not sure i'd written about before.

see, a few years ago, an ex and i decided to go in because she didnt believe that the guys in there were as pathetic as i explained. being an old (long retired) comic dork, i knew that would stare and whisper, and basically be amazed that a guy that would go in there, would bring a woman. i won. word for word, it was like i was psychic. scary huh?. i guess that i knew enough of them to know the reaction.

so we went in to have a look around. not interested in buying anything, but extremely interested in checking out the 'dork cave'. we drive past this place nightly and see the lights on after midnight, the store full of lost men, rolling dice, and getting no closer to being with an actual woman. we werent really bothered until we wondered into role play alley, or whatever it was. some giant model of a cityscape, complete with figurines from the boxes on the wall. warhammer 40,000 i think. it wasnt until we were within a foot or two of it that we were chatted up by a near-30 y/o guy that i would have guessed, hadnt showered or shaved in a week.

"hey guys, is there anything i can help you with?" - him

"no thanks, we're just having a look around."

"cool. this is all pretty awesome isnt it? all these pieces here and on that shelf over there (gesturing) are STILL in play." - him

" (uncomfortable) cool man."

"we had this GIANT battle with over 26,000 points on each side!" - him

"um, thats alot (?)"

"heck yeah! so you guys play 40k?" - him

and at this point, 'machismo' started giggling to himself, and i was having a tough time keeping a straight face.

"nope."

and right about then, he didnt say anything and basically wondered off, seeking to become content in his fantasy world once more, not knowing that there are other things outside those dirty glass doors. poor guy. we left quickly, grabbed our thai food, and laughed about it all the way home. later that night i got to listen to 'Jagerbomb' yak and bother me about dating. "we need to get you a date!" ugh. because shes all back into the dating world i have to be too? i'm sure its the fix-all for everyones problems, if everyone could have a date, the world would be a better place. yeah right. what about that hapless comic/ roleplayiong dorks? being a 40 year old virgin isnt cool is it? why isnt she trying to help them?

Bob Uecker would know what to do

2004-11-15T19:38:00.000-06:00

annoyance tonight.

first off, this is the second time i've had to type this shit out. that bugs me. also. 'Machismo' decided that he was bringing his son and his baby's momma over to set up a x-mas tree in our living room. good, fun, family times. loud family times. so loud, that the exile to my bedroom for a night of 'for a few dollars more' was interrupted umpteen times so the little boy could come in my room and terrorize Holden. wonderful. i gave up on the movie after an hour, deciding that no movie was better than seeing 2 minutes before having to pause again.

somewhere along the line, the child started screaming and crying for some assorted reason, and 30 minutes later, the family left. dont get me wrong, i love kids, but i think it was the parents that were driving just a tad bit more nuts. maybe i developed a more understanding parenting method when i 'sort of' had kids, but i dont think its acceptable for a mother to say things like "oh look, you're crying like a little girl again. stop crying like a little girl!" & "look at mommy's little sissy!". i give the kid 17 years before grows up a little more with that kind of parenting, saves up some money for a set of bedsheets, and eventually joins 'the Klan' or ends up atop a clock tower somewhere.

Lando's stress-o-meter isnt exactly at a safe level right now. first, i'm getting towards the ass-end of my unemployment bennies, and need to be working soon. very soon. hell, for my sanity i need to go back to work. also, i was told recently that 'machismo's baby's momma is being told that she has to move in a few months. shes been living with her sister for a few years now, and since she hasnt paid once cent in rent or utilities, her welcome has been worn out. this is going on about tax return time. so when i was told that, i instantly had a seed implanted that she'll be working on 'machismo' to move in with her so a) he can pay the bills & b)she can finish the job she started 6 years agao, and drive him completely fucking insane. so this woman that has done nothing but give poor ole 'machismo' the cold shoulder since the baby was born, and is garnishing his check for $400 a month; let him have a little. sure, why not right? to me it sounds suspicious, to him it sounds like nookie. looks like i may be looking for a place solo in a couple of months. better save up some money...

that is unless one of you wants a guy who cooks and cleans around your house. anyone? sorority houses get first crack. (yeah, like i could even take that)

that pesky Wesley...

no, you can't join.

2004-11-14T19:36:00.000-06:00

in my absence, i've gotten married, had 3 obnoxious children, and devoted my life and wealth to scientology. i've written the great american novel AND screenplay (soon to be a major motion picture starring my good buddy Gary Coleman in my self-titled autobiographical epic tour de force). i climbed Mt. Everest, won the Tour-de-France, and pioneered a peace treaty between idaho and montana. i've accomplished many many things in these 4 days, thus explaining my lack of blog entries for you to root through, exposing my inadequacies in only the written word.

Gary Coleman says he wants in too, so far.

i think i last mentioned a chl hockey game. it never happened, things fell through quickly, time being a major factor in the decision to postpone until next week. hopefully i'll have a blood-splattered hockey tale for you in the coming future. i know how my readers are with their bloodlust. i did go out drinking wednesday night. 'Jagerbomb' and I dragged 'Machismo' out and even paid for his fermented hops. if anyone needed a release it was 'he', jesus, the man was a ticking time bomb. and i mean my roommate was a ticking time bomb, not Jesus.

jesus may have been, i guess. i have always thought he probably had a temper and may have been a little bit of a snob. that whole 'son of god' syndrome. whatever man, get over yourself. no wonder they crucified him. what? yeah yeah, hell. i know, see you there.

evidently, 'Machismo's night out did enough to loosen him up that he got a little action friday. hopefully he's been taking my advice about hooking up with his 'babys mama', that being to wrap it up. by 'it', i mean his wang. i shouldnt have to tell you these things, you know. so, wednesday night, i cant remember how many i had. i was charged for 5 total, and i know thats not right, i had to have been close to 10. over 5 hours, its not as bad as it sounds. i'm not some lush in training...i hope. on the drive home, 3 drunken idiots decided to start a club based on their affinity for the female genitalia, complete with membership cards. awesome.

more when i got it. love, Lando.

no really, it is the best one ever.

2004-11-05T19:30:00.000-06:00

Wednesday night was interesting. I had been invited to 'Jagerbomb's birthday dinner / drunken stupor. because i'm not exactly comfortable drinking and driving, and 'Machismo' had suddenly declined earlier wednesday, i didnt see myself making it. you may call it responsibility, i call it poor planning, but there wasnt really any way around it without begging someone for a ride, and i am too proud to beg.

"if i need it in the morning or the middle of the night..."

nevermind. 'Jagerbomb' found out and dragged me to ride with her. i had assumed she had someone else driving her, as she was not going to be in any shape to drive home. great. you know what that means. i got to go, but i was instantly voted DD. FUCK. yeah, 2 drinks all night. i should can that, its her birthday, she should be able to drink up. always thought that everybody has the right to have 1 day go the way they want. their birthday obviously. so as we left, i passed on her present, a bottle of her favorite anise-flavored, flaming cross and deerhead decorated german liquor.

i was a little nervous to be meeting what was promised as "at least 15" new people, as i'm a social retard. her estimate was a tad off, as including myself, we were a group of five. three men, two women. not exactly a favorable ratio, but what can you do. i knew the guys from the last bar excursion, and only had to meet her best friend (the other female). i'm pretty sure i've met her before, but never got a chance to talk or get to know her until that night. i'm not sure how the night took the fast elevator (with the button marked 'debauch' maybe) to 'Jagerbomb' taking pictures of everyones ass, i do know it happened quickly and without any warning. if we're lucky, she'll keep those pictures to herself, last thing anyone needs to reminisce over is cellulite on celluloid. <-------- BEST PUN EVAR, RECOGNIZE.

i spent a couple of hours just chatting up 'J-B's best friend. everyone else was busy working on being drunker-bar-whores, so we sat in back talking. and before you even go there. 1.) shes got 2 kids. 2.) shes got a man. 3.) didnt you fucking read #'s 1 & 2? it was enough for me. she was cool, easy to talk to, so it made sense to just hang with her while everyone else lost their mind. um, why is it that i always end up with the moms? i mean, i'm a 27 year old single man with no kids, and really nothing tying me down (anymore; and thank god). someone overthinking it may say that subconsciously, i yearn to be tied down, but i'd argue that its just dumb luck, and punch them in their god-damned stupid grill.

hours passed. obligatory drunken 'LoveShack' singalong (without me). a man trying to buy two blatantly obvious hookers some cheap drinks close to last call. a retarded or drunk man getting so angry at something that he threw a mug full of beer at the bartender before taking out his plastic comb and talking to it. yeah, and who does THAT crazy fucker sit next to?

if you guessed Lando, you are correct.

election

2004-11-03T19:28:00.000-06:00

Happy Halloweenie

2004-10-31T19:23:00.000-06:00

apparently, older people dont seem to enjoy the veritable treasure trove of humor concerning halloween candy. see, me standing there with bags of the good stuff for the kids and saying quite loud "now, where do they keep the razor blades at up in this bitch?" (it was either that or vanilla extract, and i didnt think 'Machismo' would get that) all they do is stare and give you that 'how could you' look, and i never seem to help situations like that, more often opting to dig the bigger hole.

"you put your weed in there"

speaking of bigger holes, i ran into J-9's (dead bastard) ex-wife at wal-mart. not having seen her in years, i was unaware as to the extent of her J-9 suicide knowledge. she was with new husband and child (what kind of name is Bailey for a human child?). her new husband, ok seriously, i'm not a wimp or anything, but why do some guys insist on having the testosterone showdown with a handshake? is it really some sort of indication to the level of ones manliness? damn, i believe in a firm handshake, but not to the extent where i'm turning some poor schlub's metacarpals into dust. "WHO HAS A BIGGER DICK NOW, NANCYBOY?!?!?!?" um..ok.

ok, back to the holiday. tons of people seem to hate this one, and i'm not understanding why. sure, the religious people's objection is pretty obvious, but they're all raving psychopaths anyway. hell, they wear their costumes year round and they dont want us to wear ours for one day? bollocks. maybe its the kid in me, i love candy (but shouldnt), and i love seeing little kids dressed up in creative costumes. its a touch of nostalgia from my younger days. although i stopped trick-or-treating when i was 12, i always enjoyed the holiday, as well as the things that come with it. how could you not love it? horror movies 24/7 the week before! i must have seen the Omen at least 4 times this week. like 'the Biz', you can't beat it, son. no really, not even with the first season box set of 21 Jump Street.

i spared you from the easy 'condoment' pun

2004-10-25T19:13:00.000-05:00

i had a few people looking for sleepwalking disasters, when fat people attack, room raiders, and the weiner world girl. not sure why people look for these weird things, or much less end up here for them. i'm sorry to dissapoint, but even if the weiner world girl were here, i wouldnt be sharing her with you. we'd be too busy doing the 'weiner thing'.

did you get that one? the 'weiner thing'? you sure? i meant FUCKING. and as crass as me saying that sounds, i'd be quite the gentleman and let her pick her favorite condiment (condemn-nent?) holy shit, i'd better stop before someone gets hurt. well, what would you rather i write about? gambling? ok. so 'Machismo' and i, yet again found ourselves in casino-town (can you say another mistake?). i think this visit lasted all of 30 minutes. he gambled away double what he had planned on, and all of his gas money, and for the first time, he lost more money than i did. woohoo! he actually gambled away (like a dumbass) all the money he had on him, after swearing to only gamble a certain amount. i threw down yet another $20. i figured why not make it a nice even $100 total? ok, so maybe 'Machismo' wasn't the only dumbass...

and jagerbomb had a date saturday night. after telling senor hobbit she was going out to dinner with a friend, some funny things happened. they went to dinner and had a good time, then went to a local club. not 20 minutes after they get to the club what happens? the hobbit shows up alone. she's pretty much busted. or is she? hobbit sits down with them and hangs around them ALL NIGHT. say what? you just bust your girlfriend out with another guy, on what had to be considered a date in any sense of it, and its ok? you'll just hang with them and watch them dance all night?

not sure where on the pathetic-o-meter that ranks, but i'm guessing somewhere in the red. i was told that the day before, he had talked about killing himself. he even grabbed a knife and held it to his chest but wouldnt do it. he wanted his woman to do it. what a fucking spaz. and the day after the date, he decided to start cutting himself for attention. they had a fight over going to the mall. (i get the play-by-play) later running around the house crying and making shallow cuts on his arm, finally admitting later on that he 'just couldn't do it'. yet he doesnt have any mental problems. no, not a one. everyday i thank my lucky me's that i dont live with that psycho anymore.

wow, all that and absolutely nothing about me? excellent.

agoraphobia no more?

2004-10-22T19:11:00.000-05:00

hopefully most of you understood that the sweaty nuts thing was a joke. my 'huevos rancheros' are no sweatier than norm. and no, they're not normally sweaty. what the hell, why you gotta make this about my testicles? what gives you the right? sure there was that one time when my balls hurt, but thats not even related to this. you, as a third party, are thinking entirely too much about my twins.

'Jagerbomb' came over last night while 'Machismo' was gone. she wanted to know if i was busy, and if not, if i'd want to go out drinking with her and a few friends of hers. normally, i think on it a few minutes and decline. my debilitating shyness just wont allow me to leave the house and do these things. this time, i asked one question:

"you driving?"

turns out she was, so in a complete contrast from my normal behavior, i said fuck it and went. again, foreign territory. whats funny about it? ok, the hobbit hates me with a fiery passion. his soon to be ex dragged me out drinking, in his car. where was the hobbit? he was at home watching 'Jagerbomb's kids. pretty humorous now that i'm on this side of things, and that there was no activity between me and jagerbomb. and, i ate all his altoids.

i get there, and theres only one of her friends there. John. ok, a guy, but he was pretty cool. i half expected to meet the woman 'J-B' was trying to hook me up with. not so. strange. there was a period of the night i had wondered off by myself, i think it was during drink #3. i was feeling a little bit outcast, knowing only one person there. you dont want to be selfish and demand attention from said person, so you let them have a good time, and try to have one yourself. i ended up playing some stupid electronic game for 45 minutes, further distancing myself from any social behavior. at this point i was angry at myself. i always do that shit. minimal effort as not to get hurt, with no fun as a result. at this point, i'm such the fucking loser.

for the first time in a long time, i made a conscious effort to get back in the mix. the people were interesting, and i had no problems with getting to know them better. of course, when i do this, a seat at the bar opens next to them, and it made drinking that much easier. jack and cokes 4 - 8+ (lost count after 8. which sounds like alot, but i wasnt really drunk. ok, maybe a little. hell, i rarely drink anymore anyway) came and went quickly, a strange thing was happening. i was enjoying myself. started chatting up a female friend of jagerbomb, and she was pretty cool, but it wasnt long until i was 'Mr. Shoulder' again. must be something about me. my hair? my face? i got to listen to her talk about some guy who was flitting around the bar like a good little man-whore. she's sprung on him. turns out he's something of a local professional wrestler. i was told this, and commenced insane laughing. all i could see was a luchador mask and a cape. in true amatuer fashion, i spilled a little of my drink laughing. damn.

closing time came, and we all exchanged pleasantries, with me being urged to come back again. nice to feel wanted i suppose. well, its a hell of a lot better than hearing "dont bring him back, ever". nice to hear when you finally decide to leave your house in fear of not actually being pathetic. we somehow manage to get back here to my apartment (no idea how, we were laughing so hard on the way back, i'm surprised we didnt t-bone someone), and i shuffled off to bed not remembering that the air condittioning is still on the fritz. great. so heres a mental image for you:

6 am, me 95% naked holding an icepack to the nape of my neck to cool down.

yeah, it sucked, but at least i woke up without a hangover. woohoo!

i wont be playing the harp

2004-10-21T19:09:00.000-05:00

in a fit of boredom last night, i decided to rent fahrenheit 9/11. it was entertaining, and if i hadnt already made up my mind years ago, it would have made me really think on voting. more fun than the actual movie, was watching 'Machismo's face. he was in awe, and it made for entertainment seeing him think something through for once. what? that wasnt supposed to be as mean as it sounded. it was a movie, and whereas i saw a few flaws in it, i was entertained. fahrenheit 9/11 was probably just teetering on the actual documentary fence, but i guess we dont have to tell everyone that.

in an effort to save money on the electric bill, it was decided that we no longer need air conditioning this year. i'm not sure that i shouldnt have waited another few weeks before making that decision. its been in the 80's here this week, and humid, and my pants are cooking enough soup in this house to make campbells fucking jealous.

mmm mmm good? not likely, but i will sue if they steal my idea. its seriously like a sauna in here. i've left my bedroom window open, in hopes of circulating air. it's only a matter of time before my neighbors get tired of me watching a fistfull of dollars, or whatever the movie of the day will be in the coming days. we'll skip porno's and not draw fans to my window hoping for a peek into heaven.

"Don't Touch Me! Don't Touch Me!"

2004-10-15T19:06:00.000-05:00

dreams about robots and ghosts have haunted me this week (har). after the latest deluge of fucked up night plays, i'm almost willing to go back to the old standby of spies and trains. bring on the intrigue! watched the Day After Tomorrow today. eh. it was ok. lacking in some plot points for length reasons, and a little special effects heavy for my taste. worth the watch, just glad that i didnt spend any money renting it. doesnt sound like a ringing endorsement does it? guess it isnt.

last night, we ('Machismo' & I) decided that we were bored. yet again. what to do on a thursday night close to midnight? sure we could hit up a bar or something, but neither of us were in the mood to drink away problems, or spend some money on the forthcoming hangover. of course, once you rule out clubs, bars, and pool halls in oklahoma city, there's not alot left to do. i mean hell, its thursday, what do you expect? exactly, not a whole bunch, until ....

why the hell not. i've never been to vegas, or any casino in my life, so how could i turn down this experience? hell, how could i pass up anything that involves leaving the house? so we went. spent all in all 3 hours there, playing slots. we would have tried anything else, but we're in oklahoma, so theres no real gambling here ladies and gentlemen. damned if we arent still trying to get the lottery bill to pass.

it was pretty much exactly the way i'd thought it would be. dark, smoky, and filled with people i didnt want to touch me. not even accidently. maybe i should have rethought that, there was one or two women there that could have easily convinced me to play their slots. oh come on, it was easy and too funny to lay off of. lord knows i wasnt having any luck with the ones that would have paid me (not that i have any luck at all with the others also). went through about $40 before i decided to hang it up for the night. of course my roomie was up and down all night, at one point quardupling his money, then wasting it trying to get more. he came out +$1.30, which made me laugh more than if he had lost anything.

theres talk of hitting up a different one tonight, and the strange thing is, i'm more than up for it. loose slots (either) are as tempting as water to a thristy man (and boy howdy is that right).

"that thing got a hemi innit?"

2004-10-11T19:01:00.000-05:00

yesterday morning 'the Swede' was asking about my clothing size (for presents? still a secret), instead of saying 'massive' or 'orca', i went with 'dodge'. one, because its still a fat joke, and two, because she inevitably walked into the question i was hoping she'd ask.you got a hemi? of course the answer was yes, it may still be in idle, but its a hemi baby.

i've mentioned before how poetry.com keeps bugging me. i got something in the mail the other day that had me howling with laughter. it's been decided that one of my works, Katrina's Song, has been chosen for some spoken poetry compilation on cd. they even gave me some little cheesy award certificate for some sort of achievement in September of '04 (no matter it being a year and a half old), and a semi-written note thanking me. i think my chuckles stemmed from the latent sexual content, and maybe the fact that i ever posted it anywhere online. and just for the record, Katty, if i make any money off of such a thing, you will receive minimal royalties. MINIMAL AS IN NONE. not that you'll get away from the sims 2 to notice.

and speaking of the sims people, its sounding more and more like a disease. both Katrina and Crystal are hooked. whatever happened to age-old computer activities? you'd rather play a video game than look at porn? different strokes i guess (literally). fine. just dont come crying to me when after all this sims action, the internet porn industry goes belly-up.

so i went to sister christians for a game night sunday night. ended up catching the last half of the seahawks game (talk about breaking my fucking heart). also went shopping for pot-luck dinner items with her. in the candy isle, i brought up halloween and asked her if she was handing out candy this year, or was she going to go with pamphlets. needless to say (but i'm saying it anyway), she was not entirely amused. i had to ignore all the political talk, which surprisingly, was more the hot topic than religion. i ignored because all they felt like doing was bashing kerry and edwards, while touting president dumbass. the joys of brainwashing. hell, its so bad, they have mtv and comedy central blocked on their television (wtf?). i can understand mtv, but comedy central? thats one of the only channels worth watching. thats depressing. no wonder they're all stiff and uptight, they have no funny.

anal cancer likes it up the poo

2004-10-06T18:50:00.000-05:00

had to pay rent monday. 'Machismo' didnt have his share, but said he would have it thursday. so i paid it all and am fearful i will be screwed later in the week. i know he wont stiff me, but theres still the underlying fear, you know. would be all the nails in my coffin i needed to make a set. fears not driven away when he decided to call in sick on tuesday. i guess everyones entitled to play hooky every now and again. sick or not, but his ass can't afford it.

but with his free day, he managed to play video games, get me sick, and fuck up my emule. thanks 'Machismo'. of course, i'm not sure who really got me sick, it could very well have been 'the Swede'. she's sick as well, ill with this spreading sickness affecting hoardes of the unaware. like a mack truck in nuetral rolling down a hill, i feel like i've been run over and left for dead. i took a fucking 3 hour nap tuesday, and woke up feeling like someone had beat me with a sack of hammers.

just how sick do i feel?

i had some form of fucking ANAL CANCER in my nap dream. my parents were pleading me to have some sort of operation. and now far removed from said dream, i cant remember what it was, but i do remember my mother making plans to have me taken care of and buying adult diapers for me. i remember hearing about the adult diapers and freaking. funny that it would take that to make me lose it and worry. perhaps it goes back to that fear of my own feces, and i'm not sure why i'm more afraid of my feces than anyone elses. this is, of course, not to say i'm all into scat play and hot carl's, i most certainly am not. you people are sick-o's.

and it looks like i scored a free lunch today. sweet. my father offered to take me out to some sports bar or something. i can never turn those opportunities down. long as i dont have to hear more than 3 'amusing' church tales or anecdotes about jesus, everything will be cool. he's usually good about that sort of thing.

wish me luck (with lunch and the anal cancer...)

....that you do so well.

2004-09-30T18:47:00.000-05:00

i've decided that hell is allergies, and that i am in fact, in hell. headaches, constant sneezing, the drippy sinuses, and burning eyes paying me a visit, and they're all driving me crazy. all i want to do is sleep, and i cant even do that right (or with any frequency).

'Machismo' did not piss on the stove. yay for him. you know the old mitch hedburg joke about the instant oatmeal? about him not needing the instant because he eats it, and does nothing for an hour? i'm feeling that way about this week. i've done absolutely nothing. i've wasted my last september week sleeping and reading and watching mindless television shows that would be better off training monkeys how not to act like people. sure i've been writing a little bit, my toilets been fixed, and i finally got that orange and cream 7-eleven slurpee, but what sort of accomplishments are those anyway?

it was a year ago that i was going through a semi-trying time with a female friend. this has since been resolved somewhat, as we're on speaking terms again (so maybe you can stop stabbing the voodoo doll, ohio).

it's strange what a little time and distance will do when dealing with those kind of situations. it almost feels alien now. like maybe it was someone else going through all that. strange. but as you know, like sands through the hourglass, so are the days my friend, so are the days. well, its time to say goodbye to september. goodbye september, tell the wife and kids hello.

and holy shit, is that THE best voodoo doll you've ever seen or what?!?!

cont..

2004-09-26T18:45:00.000-05:00

finally, a break from this. i had started on a headache that was to last until i went to sleep around 10pm thursday night. but headache or not, i had things i wanted to accomplish before lunch was over. like going to target. ha. i finally got around to purchasing the last dark tower book, and at a 30% discount from store red & white.

grabbed some gum as to not offend with dragon breath, grabbed a bottle of water for the second half of my day, and in a last minute checkout line decision, grabbed one of those espresso-dark chocolate candy bars (but forgot to look for some astin). flirted a little bit with the checkout girl before remembering that i only had an hour to finish my tasks.

grabbed lunch from wendys on the way back and passed the clock to check my progress. evidently i was a bit too efficient, all in all, i had only taken up 17 minutes of time. ended up back at the unemployment center with a full 30 minutes to spare. fuck. i felt like i shot myself in the foot. i wondered in the building about 20 minutes early to eavesdrop on a conversation between the speaker and one of the speakees.

see, one of the women there had some physical problems. she was stricken with fibromyalgia and what sounded like 500 other ailments. she was walking with a cane, and said it pretty much hurt to do anything. that must really suck, i have some friends (abba, gunny, and madill) with fibro, and i feel horrible for them when it acts up. well, i had come back right in the middle of some strange metaphysical discussion. the speaker was talking about feelings and acupuncture points and i even heard 'japanese shaitzu' and 'chinese meridians' thrown in there for spice.

so in between my intesifying need to burst out laughing, i'm clamoring to hear more. and ok, i was writing it down too. imagine my self-control problems after hearing something like "even though i have this pain in myself, i love and accept myself." i'll admit to being a cynic, but how could anyone not get a chuckle out of this pseudo-hippy garbage. i was wondering when they'd start holding hands, tie-die clad with daisies in their hair, singing Kumbaya and checking each other for body lice.

i suffered through the last 3 hours of the day with the speaker only mentioning twice that i was 'quiet'. i tried to explain that i'm that way naturally, unless i get really excited or know you well. he suggested joining some organization known as 'toastmasters', which is a public speaking group. i shrugged it off on my way out, happy to have washed my hands clean of such an experience. went home with a pounding head, and proceeded to stay away from everything and everyone for the next 48 hours.

helping me help myself

2004-09-25T18:42:00.000-05:00

this past thursday i had another appointment with the unemployment orafice. i was told at a previous meeting that had i expected to get any more checks, i was to attend all day thursday for a workshop on writing/fixing my resume and interview tips.

so thanks to an early morning (7:30 am. early for me damnit.) wake-up call, i was insured against the disaster of oversleeping through my workshop (thanks again). i walk into the place with a half-smile, remembering a suggestion from 'the Swede' to pick up chicks there. remembering my last trip there, i was quite convinced there would be NOTHING of interest in the female persuasion for me to gawk at. i was wrong, the redhead from before was there, and whereas i found her horribly annoying, she was ok to look at. i've always had this weird little thing for the fair fire-haired. there was also some wannabe cosmotologist who wasnt too shabby, but ultimately an utter moron.

one of the first things i notice about my unemployed counterparts is that the group from the previous week had been whittled to half. not surprisingly, most of the dirty people didnt show, and aside from the man in the back row, i'm guessing that everyone had taken a shower before they came (hooray!). we started off the day with a brief introduction before being paired off, and surprise, i got mr. stinky. he was some construction guy who was wearing a st louis cardinals hat (figures). so i'm paired up with mr stinky, i'm sitting next to mr annoying, is my luck horrible or what?

the man i was sitting next to had all kinds of degrees and was a mechanical engineer. not sure if this was a proven title, or that maybe a self-given one after builing the taj-mahal out of popsickle sticks one fine summer day. he interrupted the teacher constantly, talking about his business and blah blah. yeah we should listen to him, he with all these degrees and tons of experience in business who is, like us, collecting unemployment. 'shut the fuck up old man, your babbling is just extending how long we have to sit in this damned room.'

and after our little pairings we were made to do a little public speaking. i dont know how any of you feel about public speaking, but i loathe it. it's not so much anymore that i'm shy (which i was, and horribly in my youth), it's just that its taxing. i still have to psyche myself for it, and i've been more than a little prone to making a snide remark or two in jest (go figure right?). i had to remember everyones name in the room that had spoken before me, and coincidently, was the only one to pronounce all of them correctly. right after that excercise in following directions, we went on to this self-affirmation mad libs crock that was starting to make me feel like i was wasting my time. i wanted to tell the speaker "listen here buddy, if i can leave the house, i dont need all this shit." we soon after got a lunchtime assignment (which was finished by me a good 30 mins before lunch), and were dismissed.

more later...

i really can't fight this feeling anymore.

2004-09-20T18:39:00.000-05:00

i forgot to mention in my last post. i, for some god awful reason started singing when we got back from shopping. no, not the lotion song, i started singing "i'm all out of love, i'm so lost without you" which i guess is an Air Supply song ('Machismo' knew who it was. bet he's hiding his Air Supply box sets better than he's hiding his porn). he survived my brief R.E.O. Speedwagon stint also. cant say what my problem is with the music lately, but its alot of fun.

so much news. Britney got married (hope you signed a prenup honey), and locally, Macaulay Culkin was arrested. thats right in my very own city. what the fuck was he doing in oklahoma city you ask? i think thats anyones guess, but at least he was doing it in style. prescription drugs and a bag of weed proves that he should never have been left home alone. ha! (i havent heard anyone say it yet, so its still fresh)

ok, i'll stop. seriously though...why is it that my city cant make the news for anything positive? celebrity drug charges, federal buildings getting explodey, and all that junk. and whats with Macaulay's pic there? he looks less like a criminal and more like one of those kids in the special olympics who just lost the discus competition. dont worry macaulay, everyone still gets a trophy little guy. i'm wondering what kind of fun he had in our county jail. you think he was there long enough to be gang raped by hoodlums? yeah, me neither. damn. there goes our claim to fame and our new sign for a welcome to the city.

"Welcome to Oklahoma City, home of the latest Macaulay Culkin sodomy."

hey, its either that or "home of the worlds best calf fries." either way, i think we still lose (unless you're big on eating testicles). its not much, but its home. guess that living in a place that may not live up to everyones expectations is a bit like owning a used car, or being married. sure, might not be the best thing in the world, but its paid for (except for the wife, you never finish paying those things off).

weakend

2004-09-19T18:35:00.000-05:00

the pizza delivery dork shows up about 40 minutes later, when expected. cool. food. he's this tall fat guy who looks like he shouldnt be dealing with the public, and bonus, his whole right hand is in some sort of cast. he cant really handle his pizzas to pass them over, so i, being the extremely nice guy i am, get them for him and give him something like a 3 dollar tip. i always tip well. as i'm going to shut the door he starts talking. i figure that it might be something important, like "listen mister, that pizza is hot, so you should be careful!" but, um, not quite.

he shows me his cast again and blurts something out like "this is the best thing that ever happened to me" so i stand there confused, trying desperately to cognize what exactly the fuck was going on. he then moves on to "see, i stopped to get extra change before i got here because the girl that gives change is hot" only a blank stare from me before "she said she'd give me a massage later on tonight, so thats pretty cool" and about then i'm looking for hidden cameras and/or rod serling. i can understand this conversation happening HAD I ASKED about his hand. what the fuck kind of person starts conversations like that with random people?!?!?!

'machismo' and i decided to go grocery shopping. hell, the food we had here wouldnt feed anyone, unless they sustained themselves on kool-aid packets and dry macaroni. hey listen, this is what happens when all the frozen pizzas and ramen runs out. i can cook, but why bother, cooking for one only serves to bring out the big bad 'd'. so we go, and for 90% of the trip, everytime 'Machismo' put something in our shopping cart, i would have to hum "it puts the lotion in the basket". he was not amused, and threatened to punch me 'in the nose' if i didnt stop. and for clarification, he did not buy any lotion, i just got a kick out of saying it for everything he put in the basket.

"ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh"

i just want bark bark bark

2004-09-12T18:32:00.000-05:00

i forgot to mention this before. a few days ago, there was some stupid teenager riding a minibike outside of my apartment. one of those rice-burner things made for, like, midgets or something. evidently, he lost control of the mammoth beast outside of my door, and crashed head on into a planter we keep outside. i was watching television in my bedroom when i heard the ruckus (dont say it). i came into the living room and looked out the window to see this guy dragging his ass off the pavement, obviously embarassed. i couldnt control the laughter, so i'm sure he heard me before he picked up his bike and pushed it home quickly. neighbors i tell you...

so, i did get together with my family to watch football. was kind of a shock to me, but i had alot of fun. sister christian and her husband were helping take care of a beagle puppy that was to be given as a gift. and let me tell you, i love beagles. i always have, wanted one, but never got to have one. i spent a fair amount of time playing with the puppy, and wishing it were mine. i was almost even thinking of how to get rid of Senor Shithead (Holden). alas, it wasnt to be, her new parents picked her up and took her away, probably for a stellar life in suburbia and the stereotypically lame name of 'Abbey' or something. goodbye little puppy, you will be missed.

bet you $100 he won't bust through the wall.

2004-09-10T18:29:00.000-05:00

various computer problems lately. remember all those months ago and my mo-dem trouble? yeah, its back. figure i'll have to call my isp and scream until i get a new one. i've been stressed out lately, and other people dont seem to help me with this. i've turned into half hermit, half sexpot this last week. ok, no sexpot, but i got enough eye candy earlier to last me awhile. yeah, what can i say, i'm weak. and i know what you're thinking. will all of this post be as moronic as the first paragraph?

my answer? see caption of picture.

and i was sitting here last night. and we had another 'kool-aid problem'. we decided that soda was just gettig old, and that we needed something else for a change of pace every so often. fuck you, water doesnt count. so 'Machismo' drank the last of it, and left the empty container out. here's where i go all old person and bitch about not refilling the ice cube tray or something.... ...... ..... ok, i'm done. i made some more kool aid (grape if you must know. just like jonestown baby!), and i must have been a tad bit reckless with the powder. i finish up, toss it in the fridge (the kool aid, you pervs) and sit down.

"OH YEAH!"

about then my ear starts itching, so like any normal person, i scratch it. no biggie right? i thought the same until i pulled my finger away and looked at it. ACK! SOMETHING IN MY EAR TURNED MY FINGERTIP PURPLE! JESUS I NEED TO SEE A DOCTOR!!!! yeah, for about 3 seconds. then i remembered that i was a major idiot, to which (i'm sure), alot of you can and will confirm.

"and i won't forget the girls who layed, and gave it up to me..."

2004-09-08T18:26:00.000-05:00

dreams ive had lately, the dreams of trains are long gone, but the spy element still remains a little, as it popped up in the second of these two being told. i'm unaware of any relevance to my real life in either of these, so dont read too much into them, i didnt (sort of).

ok fine, the first one will cater to a dorkiness i have instilled deep within. Space. i was a pilot. the strange thing is, i came into the dream late, and was just getting off my shift navigating the starship. it was some giant, sleek, black pointy craft, and we were travelling to the red sun. for what? hell, i dont know. i do know that there was something said about a dangerous meteor, so maybe my brain was getting all 'armageddon' on me. it reminded me of that one ship from star wars, but in black.

so my shift ends, and i decide to walk around, and view some of the sights of the planet we're passing by (extremely close for such a large ship). lots of forest, a few skyscraper like buildings sticking out of the foliage, very pretty. after standing on what was like a bridge for a period of time, i go back to my quarters. i had a sense of satisfaction with my job and life in the dream, like i was doing what i was supposed to be doing. so, the quarters looked a great deal like a bedroom i once had while living in the country, layout wise only. everything was dark, muted tones. a little orange and dark blue, with a tiny lamp on a bedside table. i layed down and went to sleep, ending the dream.

ok, i know its a pretty boring dream, but i'm not usually finding myself in space. like ive mentioned before, almost any vehicle thats not a train is noteworthy. i wasnt a spy, just a very small pilot cog in a very big space machine. i was back on earth for the next dream, incidently, the next night.

I was on a baseball diamond. nothing fancy, maybe just one of those little league fields, but there wasnt any kids around. i have the feeling that i was a spy, or at least pretending to be, because it had just worked in me picking up some redheaded girl. i must have gone to bed overly horny, because it turned quickly into a sex dream, and i ended up banging the redhead on the baseball diamond. hows that for a piece of americana? get me a slice of apple pie and lee greenwood would write a song about my ass.

so i woke up, and immediately started wigging. here's how my mind works by the way. i started questioning if she was 18. ha. i was thinking, 'what the fuck was she doing on a little league field?' nevermind that i was on it too. i wasnt worried that she was really young, obviously the girl was at least close to being of age, but it bothered me a little bit. damnit, cant even enjoy that.

i was a fantasy Nucleoid Physicist.

2004-09-07T18:25:00.000-05:00

because the family couldnt all get together for a day on saturday, we had one sunday. basically consisted of us getting together for sandwiches and playing games. i was indeed victorious in Uno Attack and the Game of Life. Life was interesting because we were made to name our kids and spouses. i of course argued insanely for bigamy (and was denied. i mean what if i wanted to be mormon? this was argued as religious persecution and i condemned them all to hell). my gay uncle picked dylan mcdermott as a husband, my gay aunt picked ty herndon (no clue, but i think it may be country), and my sister picked her husband in a display that was both sickly sweet and disgusting (i mean come on, your real husband?). i didnt want to pick my wife, so they picked for me.

and who did they pick? Mary-Kate Olsen. I shit you not. so i went all coors light on everyone and demanded i get both the twins (and maybe something for them to eat). again denied, but i snuck Ashley into the car later on anyway. i got a slight kick out of the situation because of an earlier blog entry, but kept that to myself. i ended up not having any children, because evidently, the Olsen twins are both frigid, barren, and have too narrow a hips for birthin' babies. (i'm sorry ladies, but it had to come out sometime). i won, by a very small margin, and without any help from my (only) money hungry fantasy game of life wife.

i think i have some sort of game thing, where i can always win, as long as it means absolutely nothing in the end. like were i on a game show or something, i would instantly go retarded and win nothing. except for teen jeopardy, i rock that shit. so it was good to see everyone again, plus my grandmother had left a magical envelope for me with my sister. cha-ching! money is always good. i had mentioned wanting to spend time with them (my family, not the money. although money and i need more time together too), and it made everything so much better for me when jesus or church wasnt brought up more than once (let alone every 20 minutes).

its just a shame i cant convey my success in the Game of Life to the real game of life and at least get a job.

Math Majors Apply Inside.

2004-09-06T18:22:00.000-05:00

i was reminded of this recently. HotorNot.com

you've been there, you spent 20 minutes there guaging yourself by the rankings of others. dont lie. liar. ok, so i was bored, curious, and always seem to have a weakness for seeing just how pathetic and hideous other people find me. so i threw my pic up, and currently, i'm sitting on a 6.6 ranking. it doesnt bother me really. i use a base 7 rating system as to never crush anyones feelings, but know other people dont have the same thoughts and therefore are prone to giving nasty 1's. but i've gone over all this before, if not here, then in myspace.

so its a recent thing (like one time said 20 minutes ago because i was bored) where i decide to look at the womens ratings. not just any womens ratings, i'm looking for 6.6's. why? hell, why not check out some ladies that are supposedly me equals in teh hotness. of course, there has to be some sort of sliding scale, because the women ranked the same as i am just dont seem to be happening. some are actually pretty damn nice looking, and i'd be proud to be seen with them and their measly 6.6.

so, i figure the guys must be rating the women differently than the women the men. makes sense, i'd expect there to be an inordinate amount of teenage boys voting for tits and ass (not saying tits and ass are AT ALL bad btw because i'm all for it. tits and ass in '04 kids, remember to vote!). so where exactly should i look numberwise to get an adequate representation of my hotness equal? what the fuck? why isnt this simple? do i need a slide-rule and an abacus to figure this out? you have to be a fucking mathematician to understand this shit. i quit, i'm not that smart, hell, i'm a lot closer to Fudd than Fibonacci.

i think i lost half of you. i was going to ask you what you thought i should be at, and what should be on the same level, but after a good 2 seconds of reflection, i couldnt take your answer. most of you would try to be comforting and lie, but there would be one or two that wouldnt bullshit me, and i'd end up hating their answer. truthy bastards.

Kilroy? Mom?

2004-09-03T18:17:00.000-05:00

i woke up confused on thursday. confused and upset at myself when i rolled over and saw the clock fixed at 1:41pm. i slept in way too damned long. i was hoping that i was starting to get a handle on the late mornings, maybe even to start waking up pre 10am to try and get myself back in working order. this week has gotten progressively worse. i figure its only a matter of time before i say screw it and skip sleep completely to right the ship. but it doesnt help my sleeping in. i cant even say i had a good reason, just a couple of silly dreams.

dream 1: - i was working in mcdonalds. yeah, i know. but it wasnt for the job or anything, there was some deeper darker purpose for my working there. i was to throw a wrench in the system by breaking all their computers. dont ask, i'm still confused myself. i just remember sitting at a tabel with a girl that worked with me, eating mcnuggets while all the machines were broken down. our mission had been accomplished, and so the dream ended. a shame, even in my dreams i cant escape the mcnuggets. i hate you mcassholes, and i'm glad that i took so much pleasure in breaking your shake machine.

dream 2: - i was driving in a convertible. sweet, wind in my hair, Terry Bradshaw by my side (huh? what the hell?), and a confused look on my face before i realized i wasnt myself. Great, so I'm Howie Long. I couldnt be doing commercials with Teri Hatcher?

jesus my luck sucks. so, after the initial shock, i get a phone call. its my agent, and he tells me that the fine people at radio shack want to do yet another commercial. cool, money for me right? the catch is, they want some sort of mother son commercial, and somehow thats a problem for me and i star freaking out. because in my dream, a robot is my mother.

i'm not shitting you.

so i wake up and wonder what the fuck it was all about, and decide that somewhere along the line, i must have accrued some major brain damage.

hey baby! wanna take a ride in my...

2004-09-01T18:13:00.000-05:00

today, as a copout, i'm doing something different. going to look at a few different things. like what you ask? i had thought about swapping the song out to Bette Midler's wind beneath my wings, just to see who way paying attention. i decided that it was far too sadistic, and may result in severe trauma for the three of you that read me. so how about my entry from September 1st 2003.

"and sometimes, the answers to certain questions come with time. what doubt there was i've let go of, it can sit on the side of the road and gather dust. cars been sitting too long. fuel. check. music. check. head straight. check? im going for a drive."

i had made some earlier references to relationships and road trips, somehow managing to meld the two. i think i had decided to just get the fuck out and try something/someone new (we saw how well that worked didnt we?).

it's funny just how very much and how very little things change from year to year.

when i was out yesterday, i ran into someone i knew about 7 years ago. i have a decent memory, and remember tons of things, like this girls name, and blah blah. all she remembered about me was that i looked familiar. i'm not sure how i'm supposed to take that, but in a way, i'm taking it bad. i'm taking it as if theres nothing so interesting about me that someone should take and file away for future use. but as upset as i sound like i am, i can almost agree with it. so because of that, tomorrow i'm going to show myself some love (not that way...well, at least not here for you to watch) with your help. no, not you. YOU.

and holy shit, 'Machismo' called. surly and upset, so i basically knew he was still breathing. he asked if anyone had been by here to serve him papers. uh oh. then he goes on to tell me that not only is he being garnished for child-support, he's also being garnished for a truck he had a few years ago (that he couldnt afford. to the tune of $11k -- wow!). motherfucker gets any more of these, and i'm going to have to change his nickname from 'Machismo' to 'Dirty Parsley'. damn, like he needed any more bad news....

and god forbid you feed them chili

2004-08-31T18:11:00.000-05:00

thought i had last night around 2 am while eating a piece of pizza:

gremlins? midnight? what the hell, its always going to be midnight somewhere, you're going to tell me that they have this internal clock that tells them when its midnight in any given time zone? or maybe their all on GMT time. i refuse to believe that because its 2 am in oklahoma that i can't sneak the little mogwai a jello pudding pop or something. im not sure why i was thinking about gremlins, someone brought them up the other day, so it made them fresh. perhaps i was thinking that if i had a late night chunk of pizza that i would magically turn into something different (maybe someone with a job. stranger things have happened).

so i went out today to purchase the new midnight movies cd (who's music so graciously resonates here). and after the 4th stop, the mall (which i hate anyway), my car wouldnt start. fucking great. it was the same thing that happened the last time i went to get a haircut. problem either stemming from the battery or starter or, god forbid, something burned through my fusable links (which isnt an STD, no matter how dirty is sounds) again. i'm no mechanic, but i know my car halfway decent, and i was stumped as to what the problem was. and this is not even mentioning that the cd was nowhere to be found. i had to beg 'the Swede' to buy it on amazon.com for me, so i'm waiting a few more days. thanks again swede, you rock.

so, pretty unlucky eh? i'm expecting by the end of the night to be stricken violently with a wasting disease. i'm hoping its something messy that some poor soul will have to clean up later on. i refuse to die in the bathtub where the mess can be washed away easily. i would be willing to die on the toilet though. i figure, hey, it was good enough for

right? plus, imagine the stories that people could tell their friends. "you missed all the fun today honey! i went in to do a cleanup job, and the big ole guy was just sitting there on the shitter, dead as a doornail. his cat was just staring at the body and oh my god, let me tell you about his shower curtain..."

Babble Fish

2004-08-30T18:06:00.000-05:00

i must have layed in bed for at least 2 hours saturday night worrying. for some reason stress is getting to me, and i wasnt handling it very well at all. and it was over nothing that i consider a giant problem, just a minor headache over going to an oklahoma tag agency, which always seems to stress me out. seing as how i could do nothing about it at that moment, i'm not sure why it was getting to me like it was.

its been, for the mostpart, a lazy week. piddling on the computer, and watching baseball games that would have been better unwatched. i've been staying up far too late, and in turn sleeping until noon. this habit must be broken, it doesnt feel right rolling out of bed when most peoples days are half over (not that it really matters to me, but maybe i'd feel more productive if i could get motivated to do more than clean house and pay bills.

i'm ashamed of all of you. laughing at poor dwarfs plights and difficulty wiping thier own behind. whatever happened to the moral high ground? not that i know anything about it, so really that is a pretty good question. what happened to it? is it still there? say hi for me, i hear its nice (but completely boring).

i'm looking forward to this coming weekend. its the beginning of the college football season, and the beginning of my saturdays with the family. see, its family tradition to all get together around the football game and have a family day. i miss those, too often i'm sitting around my house on a saturday, wishing i had something (anything) to do. my man of leisure leaves alot to be desired when it comes to loneliness. sure its fun and all, but many times the only one i get to talk to is Holden (and he's not much of a conversationalist. he's also now twice the size he was in this pic...they grow so quickly).

and jesus, could this entry get any more boring? does it sound like i'm meandering to you also? i feel like i could sit here and babble for hours. HOURS PEOPLE. blah blah blah blah, my life is still uninteresting and this is just a stop-gap blog entry so i dont totally feel like i'm neglecting things. blah blah.

Ok, seriously. Is there a sign on my back?

2004-08-27T18:04:00.000-05:00

i think i decided somewhere along the line that fighting neighbors are fun. well, unless they're beating the shit out of each other (like the Hobbit and his Mrs.).

in what appears to be yet another in the long line of fighting neighbors, the couple across the hall got into it AGAIN. the male has been locked out of the apartment again. its too funny, and it seems to happen at least once a week. because i was so amused by their display, i turned the televison down to listen to the

"girl, i want to be wit you!"

garbage, followed by a furious round of trying to kick the door in. it was marginally more interesting than the game show i was watching, so why not. i think it took @ two hours for him to get in. wow, see, thats how i know that either A) He loves her or B) He's got nowhere else to go (not even a van down by the river). were it me, i would have given in and left far sooner. i think my patience for that kind of situation was wasted years ago. i'm much more likely now to just say 'fuck it'. im not sure what that says about me. do i just not care as much anymore? could i possibly be more jaded and cynical than i previously imagined?

Nah.

i dont know what happened thursday night. an attack from a personals site started. i started getting mail. and more mail. and more.... like what did i do? did i somehow trigger some sort of pheremone when i wasnt looking? it has to be the shampoo. i switched shampoos today. its the only difference. i might need to go back to the store and buy in bulk. it's like every woman with the means finally reacted the way they should have.

finally my female minions are spreading the word. and about damn time ladies, we were nearing defcon 3.

Giles Corey

2004-08-26T18:02:00.000-05:00

it's been a semi-tough day so far. 'Machismo' had his DHS appointment today to sort his child support payments, and how much his checks are to be garnished.

he's pretty much been sliding by as is, just barely making it. now, they're taking almost $400 from him a month. its pretty apparent that he's been broken. i'm sitting here, not 10 feet from him while he's trying to talk to his mother about it. he's in tears. its a hard sight to take, poor guy. i've never seen him break like this, he's such a 'tough guy' that crying seems a joke to anyone who knows him. he's trying his damnedest to figure out how to pay his bills to stay alive. i'd like to tell him to look on the bright side, but the next 17 years of his life dont look so terribly bright.

if that doesnt make you think twice about using a rubber (or three) and the pill, i dont know what would... well, flipper babies, but i dont think thats too common...

"Says You, Asshole."

i saw on the news that the Heat index here right now is 107 fahrenheit. jesus christ! the sun isnt even that hot! i think somewhere along the line our seasons got messed up. summer is supposed to be over Oklahoma. seriously. you cant expect me to leave the house if its that damn hot.

i did get out for awhile yesterday, went to a mall of all places. i know, i know. i hate malls. i just had to get out of the house for a little while, i was going insane. i, also, was out of so-da, and you know that just cant happen. picked up some more, along with the Great Escape. now i just have to find a few hours to enjoy it.

yes sir, 3 bags full.

2004-08-22T17:58:00.000-05:00

i was tired of watching the olympics. i'm kidding of course, how could you get tired of the 200M Olympic Potato Sack Race? why wouldnt anyone want to watch Freestyle Macrame? and I may have to wait until 4am, but i'll be damned it i miss the Sheepherding Relay, i hear the Mongolians are killer. 'Baaaaaaaaaaah'

ok, enough of that. you know, the note made me wonder. how many people here are true to themselves? in everyday life the vast majority of the public lives a lie right? we would never ever act the same way in public as we do in private, and maybe no one but ourselves knows who we really are. how many people are writing these damn diaries and living a lie? so deathly afraid that someone will find out ANYTHING about them that they'll go to the ends of the earth to hide who and what they really are. writing about things that they dont even care about, to what. get attention?

how can people live like that? how do people one day get to the point where they say to themselves "hey, I cant be like I want anymore. it's not cool, its not fashionable. I have to change so other people will love me, even if it means i wont be able to love myself" i think we all see other people do that, right? even if we dont see ourselves doing it.

Show Me the... wait, how does that go again?

2004-08-13T17:55:00.000-05:00

Friday the 13th.

an omen of bad luck? a bringer of ill fortune? hell no, i'm having an awesome day.

i received word today that i was approved for my checks (after a month of the runaround), and instead of waiting, they just went ahead and sent me the checks from the weeks i was delayed. confirmation letter and 3 checks? hell, it works for me. i'm sure my interweb provider and phone company will be happy to hear this as well. yes fellas, you will get your money, i promise. and another bonus, Ramen, dont wanna eat it? wont eat it. ramen can kiss my ass. i'm totally switching to canned potatoes. or not.

its like an enormous amount of stress has been lifted from my shoulders. sure, i still dont have a job, but i still have income (and said income is enough to pay all my bills a couple times over). it's pretty sad that i'm all excited over this, as people pay bills everyday and dont think twice about it. i'm sure a few of you can relate to that whole world closing in on you feeling. i even had an offer to go live with the Iowegians free of charge until i could get on my feet. they dont know how close i was getting to throwing in the towel, saying 'fuck it', and packing my bags. only bad thing about Iowa...penguins.

hell, i'm even thinking about boozing it up. and if you know me, thats quite rare. i'm almost never in a party frame of mind, its that whole hermit thing blocking all the fun. i can be sociable and friendly if i make myself, but usually thats at the prompting of a paycheck and/or the possibility of me getting some. ha. ok, i'm generally pretty nice, even when i know i wont get any. its a curse. ooh, a present for 'the Swede'

you're all invited to donate.

2004-08-11T17:52:00.000-05:00

strange dreams about being diabetic lately. oh, also slaying monsters (but i attribute this to a pre-bedtime buffy viewing). so, in the last week, i've killed monsters, had my car stolen, and found out i'm a diabetic? what the fuck is going on in my head lately?

i've been officially declared a charity case by my family. thanks to what i can only assume to be my sisters doing, there was a collection taken up. after some checking, yes, it all happened sunday, around church, my sister was a main player. sneaky people my family are. the sneaky people are taking me grocery shopping, as "ramen does not count" as food, my father pointed that out when making his argument.

something about game night was brought up too. as i was leaving, packing up my car with goodies, my aunt shouted from the house goodbye and "I love you.". she must have brought it up sunday, because i was told by my sister that my uncle had made an excuse akin to "he must not have heard you". i heard, just wasnt going to say it back. i got in my car and took off. my sister jumped in and explained to my aunt that its not a phrase i say very often for my own reasons. which amazes me. i dont ever talk about these things with ANYONE. and my sister had nailed it on the head without asking me about it.

its not that i have a problem saying it. i do sometimes have a problem meaning it. i've always felt like i should never say those words unless i absolutely mean it. i think in general, they're thrown around far too carelessly. them's be powerful words, with powerful feelings behind them. i've seen people use them with no meaning behind it, and i always swore, to myself, not to do that. whether or not i have is a perplexing question, and one i honestly cant answer without help. i can say that it's not been used on more than a handful of people, which is humbling.

Look! thats evil!

2004-08-09T17:51:00.000-05:00

i didnt mention what was done before my late night wal-mart excursion. i got a last minute call for family night at my aunt's (yes, that one), and went. hell, last time i got to bring home plenty of food, why not risk it for more? risk it i did, and plenty of food i brought home. no insults were thrown around, and i had a genuine good time. yeah, i was surprised too. basically all that was done was a meal and UNO (yes, i won). nothing extremely exciting. afterwards, my father and stepmother, and sister and brother in law took off.

i was asked by my aunt if i could remove channels from her television, because as she replied, they were 'filth'. she only wanted @ 5 channels to watch, the rest was nothing but filth and pornography. i got her bigscreen switched over, but had problems with the one in her bedroom. it came down to the television being a piece of shit and nothing could be done. while trying to delete channels, i stopped on 'E!', and she pointed and exclaimed loudly "look at that filth!". it was some skanky chick walking down a hallway.

it was the howard stern show, i knew right away. so, quickly turning it by HBO, where i was stopped just long enough for Chris Rock to say 'fuck' once. and for some perverse reason i took pleasure in it. i had to giggle a little bit about making my holier-than-thou aunt blush and pray. even my uncle (her nephew) thought that she was being a bit extreme, and we exchanged "holy shit, shes fucking nuts" looks. i then left with my three treasure trove baggies stocked with edible oddities (including frozen pancakes. hell, i didnt even know they made frozen pancakes). where the hell do these old people find this food? its something that no one under the age of 60 would ever buy, but it always seems to occupy the eld's freezer.

who in their right mind purchases sugar-free jello snack packs in bulk? please dont ever let me get old, someone, anyone. when i hit 40, someone will have to put me out of my misery. the line starts to the right.

all we need is just a little Patience...

2004-08-08T17:49:00.000-05:00

*whistles*

i made the mistake of making a late night trip to Wal-Mart last night.

Holden was in dire need of shit rocks and foodstuff. i figured, 5 mins in and out, no problem, no hassle. well, i made it to the register before i had a problem with people. of course the guy in the front of the line is trying to buy something that didnt have any tags or stickers (a 40 lb dumbell - wtf? who goes weight shopping at midnight?). it didnt help things that the lady working her 10 items or less register had absolutely no clue (i'm guessing about anything).

it took 15 minutes to get the right price on the dumbell. even with the customer getting upset and shouting "DUMBELL!" while the clerk was on the phone. luckily, he was mostly quiet, as the latest issue of 'the Source' was nearby and had small enough words for him to understand. because i was 4th in line, had no chance at setting my things down on the conveyor belt. maybe i'm lazy, but holding 40 lbs of cat food and litter wasnt exactly what i considered the highlight of my evening.

the next lady in line. she may have started out with 10 items or under, but she didnt finish that way. something that bothers me: people who abuse the quick lines. i'm the type, of course, to count other peoples items so i can eventually throw a hissy to myself. while all of us were waiting for mr dumbell, she was continuing her shopping. chapstick. chips. soda. several maxi pad packages. WHAT PART OF 10 ITEMS OR LESS DONT YOU UNDERSTAND? i started to wonder if it was worth it, that maybe i shouldnt just pull a Pekar and chuck my junk right there and walk out. with a 10lb hungry mouth at home waiting for dinner, i decided to be responsible and suffer through it.

and the middle-aged guy in front of me wasnt about to say anything about it, he was too busy playing with his hot wheels cars. yeah, you heard me right. middle-aged. buying hot wheels. for himself. i finally get to lay my things down, and the lady grabs them before scanning and asks me "are these yours?". at this point i'm near angry. dealing with people like this test my patience and raise my blood pressure. no lady, i've just spent the last half an hour toting these things for no fucking reason. just shut up and ring me the fuck out, i dont want to discuss the weather, or your job, or anything. i want my cats items without anymore hassle from inbred retards like you.

Acorns and Trees

2004-08-05T17:46:00.000-05:00

been a bit busy as i've decided all of my mp3's must be sorted and accounted for.

something funny happened yesterday. i saw my mother online, and after getting an email telling me that she will notify her children when she gets back from her mini-wisconsin vacation. i guess the guy shes living with is originally from there, and had to make it back to see some Packers game. Family fun night I'm told, 'the Swede' will be there too. poor Swede, I dont wish my mother on any town, though i do imagine green bays strip clubs will do some awesome business this weekend.

ok, back to the point. i unblocked her (she perma-blocked) and asked her to call one of us (my sister or myself) when she arrived in wisconsin, to let us know she made it alright. i'm a good son. even though i have problems with the decisions my mother makes 95% of the time, she still is my mother. i then noticed her msn messenger pic. i cringed in disgust, as it was a half naked animated woman (and usually i'm all for those) bending over. it was not tasteful. of course, i wouldnt expect tasteful from her, but please, everyone guard your children from this behavior (as it makes me sterile).

we had the normal conversations. she told me things she had told me last week, and then asked me if my sister had told me. "No Mom, you told me last week." the conversation was fairly short and uncomfortable. my mother isnt the best online talker, and her spelling is bad. i'm assuming she saves the good stuff for the 40's sex chatrooms, and not for her older (and less exciting) real children. it wasnt too long after that when i noticed what picture i had in my messenger (see below) and howled with laughter before changing it.

today i mortgaged my rock and roll destiny

2004-08-04T17:43:00.000-05:00

yeah, you guessed it. 'the Mothership' has been sold. to make rent money, i had to give it up, thus ensuring i'll never do a few things ever in my life (like wear leather pants...less you want to buy me some. sure you can take pictures, why stop the humiliation now?). here ends the life of my second bass, my first, Isabella, befalling almost the same fate. well, save for the first being sold to help my ex out. at least i can say this time it was for me. oh well, goodbye 'Mothership', i'll miss you.

i straightened up my UE thing, by going down and showing identification. it only took 15 minutes, so i couldnt bitch alot about that, and the woman that had taken my information before was not there. i'm assuming she was fired for being a total idiot (if there's any justice in this world). i was told it could take 3-6 weeks for anything to happen. thats great, because if anyone doesnt need any money its..

PEOPLE WITHOUT JOBS.

3-6 weeks?!?! by then i'll be living in my car, eating out of trashcans! and if anything in my life made me want to vote, its whats happened to me the last 6 months. i understand that i'm having more of a problem with state level government than anything, but damned if i'm not ready to throw the baby out with the bathwater.

it only gets worse from here..

2004-08-03T17:40:00.000-05:00

my day took a turn for the worse when i received a letter from the OEC (those responsible for getting me a check). the letter states that i never showed up at their office to identify myself, thus, until that is done, i get nothing.

what?!?!?!

i swear to god, i'm this close to a panic attack. its a wonder i'm not hearing about gun fueled rampages EVERY DAY concerning state employees. i was there, i spent a good deal of time listening to people whine and bitch. i got treated like i was fucking 6 years old and their computers broke down. this does not help things. i have rent due in 2 days. i will not get a check on time because of someones incompetence. when trying to remedy the situation over the phone, the lines went down and i was locked out. no luck today.

it completely blows my mind that i am an able competent worker, and am not working, yet people with the iq and work ethic of my shoe are. i will now start pulling all the hair out of my head. its like the nightmare never ends.

nervous breakdown here i come.

Goodbye July

2004-07-31T17:08:00.000-05:00

was an interesting day for me, as i finally got some sun. being translucent is fun and all, but i was starting to think it unhealthy.

my father had called and woke me up @11:45am (which sadly is turning into my average because of my 4am bedtimes), turns out there was some radio remote broadcast at a bar near his house. we both listen to the station, so why not go and check out one of these things. i'd never been to one, and it always sounds interesting (kinda). you get to see the radio personalities and what goes on behind the scenes. always having a slight interest in the radio business myself, i figured it could be both educational and entertaining.

turns out, it was some sort of fundraiser for a foundation started in memory of a deceased dj. very worth it, we showed our appretiaition. we also partook in a drawing for a free smoker, ate some free hot dogs, but refrained from entering the hot dog eating contest. had i known that the contest was sans bun, i might have considered it. the friggin' trophy was massive (4+ feet tall). but alas, the last thing i need is a trophy for eating (were that the case, i would need a display case or ten). the winner managed to put away 11 hd's in 5 minutes, a feat i didnt find all too impressive, but watching the contestants fight off the nausea was more than enough entertainment for me. plus, there were fat guys with homemade eating champion t-shirts, and whats better than seeing Eric 'the Bottomless Pit' Puente (or so his shirt stated) swallow a hot dog whole?

answer to that last question? bikini clad young women hanging around the dunk tank waiting for their turn. in the end, we ended up winning nothing, but had a fun few hours in the sun without the influence of the all seeing, all dissaproving eye of his lovely spouse (but he was informed beforehand that he was not to drink much, if any, beer). who says being married is bad? you have someone to decide what you eat, drink, wear, and think...

further proof i should NEVER be left alone

2004-07-29T17:05:00.000-05:00

i have been using an electric shaver for a few weeks now, i got tired of all the crap that goes with regular shaving and decided to give it a whirl. it was not until today that i decided to get wacky. after making my face smooth like baby ass, i was putting the razor up when i had to do something. shaving my face wasnt enough today i suppose, as a boredom slayer i decided to keep on keepin' on (the pirate set search on amazon.com was doing nothing for me).

now i'm not an extremely hairy person, but like manly men such as myself, have a hairy chest. so i'm standing there, in front of a mirror obviously in need of a hobby (besides watching the C.o.M.C yet again today). i decided on polka dots. a few minutes later, i'm standing in front of the mirror regretting my decision. not only do i look like an idiot, but its going to itch like hell when it grows in. really, i do look like an idiot. an idiot or someone who just got out of the hospital. my chest is like some obscure dr. seuss book gone horribly wrong.

before you ask, no, there is no pictures. also, requests for pictures will be denied for the sake of public safety. if chili's cant serve bad scallions, i cant hand out pictures of my wicked-bad polka dots. a friend of mine offered to send me a digital camera to have, so i can take such horrible pictures. sure, the quality will be undoubtedly horrible, but you cant ever beat freebies (or the inevitable pictures of my toilet). thank you Joan, you rock.

you know it.

2004-07-27T17:03:00.000-05:00

cheap, i promise

2004-07-25T17:01:00.000-05:00

see, remember my unemployment office day? evidently, when i got back, i didnt notice. i had broken my one and only ignition key. snapped in half right in my pocket. i didnt find this out until the day after, when i had pulled out my keys to go somewhere. 'sorry Lando, you didnt really need to go anywhere did you?'. so, being the only key i had for that, i freaked a little. not so much yelling and screaming and shtting my pants or anything, but visibly upset. i spent a good deal of time calling whoever i thought could fix my dillema. called the GM parts place to get a replacement key.

"sorry, no can do. you see, because your car is more than 10 years old (its old, we dont have the numbers (or any way) to get you a new key. you should try a locksmith."

fine. asshole. so i make the calls, locksmiths around town. what do they tell me? the exact same thing. sorry. they did tell me what i would need to do to fix the situation. i had to get a new ignition put in.

great, so now i have to find my way to a shop and have them install one? no, turns out that alot of the local mobile locksmiths do that. they come right out, and faster than your prom date losing her dress (so i hear), that baby was replaced. for $80. im sure ive mentioned my money woes here, as i've been freebasing ramen noodles for weeks. the 80 bucks wasnt exactly a good thing. it took just enough out of my bank account for me not to be able to pay my rent. and, its made me low enough to be a little apprehensive about paying my telephone and interweb bill until i can get money to replace it.

i think what i'm trying to say is, "ANYONE WANT TO BUY SOME SPERM?"**

**ps - not you, psycho.

birthday well-wishes from the Peanut Gallery

2004-07-23T17:00:00.000-05:00

received only one entry for my birthday post (but serveral birthday wishes thank you ladies), luckily, it was a good one. thank you for sending it, oh anonymous one. here it is, in all its heartwarming glory. thank you again for this:

"I don’t have any interesting stories to tell, because every day is a story. You are a person who has, in a short time, become a very important part of my day, Everyday. Our story, as I see it, is more of an everyday experience of just living, and having someone to share that with."

"I started becoming friends with you at a time that I was feeling pretty jaded, and cynical about the internet, and everything that happens here. A bad experience, and I was ready to turn off the computer forever. I’m so glad that I didn’t."

"You have become a friend who does not expect anything from me, except honesty, and friendship. More than occasionally, you’ve been a shoulder for me to lean on or someone to turn to when I’ve felt like I didn’t know what I was doing, or what to do next. You are the first person I know who is there to offer a hug, words of encouragement, congratulations, or a smile when I just need to see a friendly face. Even if things in your own life are not going that great, you have pushed them aside if you think I need you, just to make me feel better."

"You are the rare person who knows the difference between what a person is inside, and what a person pretends to be. Not concerned with outward appearances, or net worth. No matter what my shortcomings are, you’ve made me feel special anyways."

"You are also someone whom I know is in my corner, and I believe would defend me to the end. I know if I ever needed you for anything, I could turn to you, and you’d do anything within your power to help me. You have my full trust and support."

"While I think of you as super smart, and intelligent… just that step above me on most levels, you never make me feel dumb, or second class. I almost feel smarter and funnier when I’m with you. If you’ve never found someone like that before, it’s one of the best feelings ever… when you find that you’re a person you like more, just by being around someone else."

"I have the utmost respect and admiration for you."

"You know how to keep me sane. Which is a HUGE job, btw. When I start going on and on and on about something, you’ll say to me “You’re obsessing, let it go.” And, I actually do. (OK, usually) When I start going on and on about something else that’s upset me, you might say “Maybe it’s because you’re grumpy.”.. I’m not real big on criticism, or hearing bad things about myself, but you have a way of telling me things that make me see myself better, and it’s not taken in a negative light. Most of the time. (heh)"

"You are super creative and funny. The best sense of humor of anyone I know, and a wonderful poet. Even the way you word sentences, or can describe a situation… it’s perfection. I look forward to reading your diaryland entry every day, or your blog now too."

"Your tender side, which someday is going to make some lucky girl VERY happy, touches me. The way you feel about your sister, the way you are when you see a kid going through some ordeal, even how you talk about Holden."

"You excite me in the fact that your potential is amazing. What you are yet to become in the years ahead absolutely thrills me. I can’t wait for you to find out where your life takes you next…. And if I’m lucky, I’ll get to be there to hear about it every step of the way."

"I hope someday that you can see yourself as being the person I see you as: Wonderful, Caring, Intelligent, Worthy, Creative, Fun, and Loving."

"The best is yet to come."

CHA-CHING!

2004-07-21T16:57:00.000-05:00

today being the last day i could make the unemployment office to get checks, and me always being one for procrastination, made for quite the couple. i sucked it up, with every last sliver of pride i had, and went in.

for those of you who had never been to the state unemployment office (like me before today), its much like how you imagine. i'm reminded of an alec guinness (obi wan) line from star wars - "You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy." after making my initial assessment of my fellow unemployables (like lunchables but with much more attitude), i started to fill out my forms on one of the house computers.

i wont go so far as to say they were TRS-80's, but they werent too far from them. after informing the lady in charge that i was quite computer literate, she still felt the need to 'help' me.

now, i was born in 1977. i was not born in the third world. i have not spent my life in a plastic bubble. i did not need to be explained anything about their computers (least of all the lengthy discussion of what a 'cursor' is, or what the 'status bar' is on the bottom of the screen). i think her time may have been better spent helping the man at an adjacent computer pick his nose. seriously, he was, and not shy about it. so @ 90% of the way through filling out my forms what happens? thats right, the buildings server went down. luckily, i hadnt spent but 5 minutes on my project, but the woman next to me lost her resume she had been working on since 1989. all the computers had to be restarted, and we didnt know how long the wait would be. after 15 minutes of waiting, and incessant bitching by said woman next to me, i could not help but cackle quit audibly when she started muttering under her breath:

"and I wonder why I'm unemployed"

as much fun the whole experience was for me, i decided i had enough. so i opted for filling out hard copy and getting the hell out of there. the sad thing was, i got out of the house and did something, and actually felt a little better about things. i got some birthday presents from 'Mrs Hobbit' (sooner t-shirt, hat, mug) as a surprise, sister christian seems set on making plans for me on this forthcoming birthday weekend, and i'm looking forward to it for once. not because it's all about me this time, but because i had a good time when last we were all together. maybe this is the year things go right. maybe this year i'll get optimistic about growing older, and maybe, just maybe i'll be happy.

remember kids, always wear a rubber.

2004-07-20T16:54:00.000-05:00

like seriously, you guys dont understand. my balls hurt last night. like whenever i moved, that not-so-dull ache. was like someone kicked me. i'm almost fairly certain that this is because of either inadequate drainage or excessive drainage, im just not sure which. if there are any medically inclined young female nurses around, send them right on over to check it out (hell, maybe check my prostate too, i'm feeling frisky). please. i'm in dire need of medical care, theres only so much a pamphlet on testicular cancer and a bottle of aveeno can do this late.

it's getting on in the day, pushing 4am, and i'm lid-heavy but cant seem to take that final sleep towards sweet sweet slumber. i know gnu-high used to have problems with insomnia, and i do from time to time, with no explanation as to why. i didnt mega-dose on coffee, i'm not afraid of going to bed and not waking up, so whats the deal? i lay down to go to sleep, and i cant, i end up watching the clock. staring at it as if it were the last bear claw (sorry, fat person humor). in some sense i feel the world closing in on me. some sort of grand-scale claustrophobia concerning my life. and pardon the use a bad analogy, i feel like someone has flushed the toilet on my life, its just that i'm too big a shit to go all at once.

and i'm just waiting for someone to get the toilet hanger....

i'm really feeling for 'Machismo'. he's been having a ton of trouble making ends meet, and things didnt get better sunday. he got something from DHS about child support. because none of the money he's given her over the past year was court mandated, it doesnt count. he's (pending a paternity test to determine the childs father) at least, bare minimum, $2500 in the hole. when his baby was born, the mother decided she didnt want the fathers name on the birth certificate. so basically, he has no rights whatsoever to his son. none. but he might have to pay out his ass for him. i've always had the faint speculation that the child isnt his, but at least now it'll be proven either way.

holy shit, when did this shit turn into a Lifetime movie of the week?

holy shit, when did i start discussing my balls with you guys?

answer!

2004-07-19T16:51:00.000-05:00

who makes your blood boil? who makes you want to flay them before rolling them in salt? who do you give the flesh eating virus to? who do you curse with 'flipper babies'?

of course i wont make you say it publicly, mail it to me. i wont post mine either, some people hold enormous sway around here. i go posting about how i hate so-and-so (but love their layout), and before you know it, my mailbox is overflowing with hate mail from the cloven-hooved lemmiwinks: "you dont understand him the way i do!", "you're fucking dumb, he's the best, he likes my boobs!!!", or even "no, he didnt hit me, i fell down the stairs." i'll open my front door every couple days to a pile of dead animals. my car will have 5 flat tires and a broken axle. they're be nothing but F-Troop reruns on tv. the rivers will run with blood. plagues of insects and raining frogs appear. armageddon will commence.

and i still wont get laid.

ps- my balls ache

space herpes

2004-07-17T16:48:00.000-05:00

so, you ever start singing for no apparent reason? how about you make up your own lyrics and music? ever end it with 'and i want to dieeeeeeeeeee'? i did yesterday. think i was shuffling through some sort of funk. yes, again.

for some reason, i chose yesterday to dwell on things, and start looking around a couple 'personals' sites for fun. mostly discouraging, the one or two things i was looking for didnt seem like existed all in the female word. so, you ask, did i stop looking? not really, i kept on plugging away, believing that there is a needle in the veritable haystack of women nearby. no such luck. when relaying the whole to the Swede, she had this to say 'honey, you spend 98% of your time in your house'. ok, im not sure how i was supposed to feel about that. first, a little upset. second, maybe a slight acknowledgement of her true statement. third, an anger that women arent delivered to peoples homes. ok, i suppose some are, but i'm really not looking for a whore. unless....

someone make the call. get that ball rolling. brief me later. who knows why i was torturing myself like that. at the moment, i'm in no shape for any of that. i would tend to think that i need to be back on my feet before i venture off into those herpes infested waters again. after all, if i dont have any money, then i cant find a woman to take it all from me. right? whoah. i think thats the most sense i've made this week...

Tourniquet Lifestyle

2004-07-12T16:42:00.000-05:00

its ok, i'm living day to day

and cleaning up the mess i made

Tourniquet Lifestyle is all i knew

and i cant stop the pain but i can try with you

help me out, can you keep me still in place?

hold my hand and wipe the tears from off my face

falling down again, a pattern every day

i'm saving all these scars as proof i played

Saturday Night's alright for Rye-ing

2004-07-11T16:39:00.000-05:00

from the Philippines, July 9, 2004 9:29 PM:

"heeeeeelllllllllllow. u really cuttttiieee, when ur sleeping ,,,heheh,,can i add u n my friendster,i hope to chat w/ u someother tym,,im always online here hit me up at xxxxxxxxxxxx@yahoo.com,whenever u gt online,,,tnxxxxxxx bye bye"

~~~

oh yeah, thats going to happen. and being philippino, she prolly knows how to make some killer lumpia ('i would walk a mile for a lumpia'), and even thats not saving her. see what being on friendster.com gets me? this is bad. real bad. in some sort of odd turn of events, in my extreme desperation, i've chosen to be über-selective. it was pointed out to me last night by this young woman, and no, i wasnt being the supermacho beefcake heartbreaker you all have me built up as in your minds. somehow the 'Jehovah's Witness' situation came to the floor for discussion and the young woman mused (paraphrased of course):

that because of my past relationships, if i were to be with a woman that hurt me even only slightly, i would drop her so fast it would make her head spin.

and after a moments thought, she's completely spot-on, 100% correct. i've proved this, more than amply, recently, and plan to continue my reign as king high lesbi...wait, thats Katrina (sorry Kat). i guess somewhere along the line i've decided that some things or some women just arent worth their trouble. so why put up with it? to be nice? to not hurt someone else? hell, i have problems of my own to worry about, not how some psycho feels when i 'jilt' her. i do have to worry about her stalking me after though. it's forcing me to think that I might be a selective socialite also. ooh, better yet, a selective socialist! that sounds loads better, like i'm an ominous juggernaut hellbent on world domination (which may or may not be entirely too far from the truth), either that or a poor farmer waiting in line for a loaf of delicious pumpernickel. so kudas young lady for being very perceptive. damn. i hate it when women do that, get things right and all.

speaking of women that got it right, i'd like to extend my sincerest thanks and smiles to 'the Swede'. Birthday present received, and it's my new favorite.

William Shatner, in the Conservatory, with the Garden Weasel

2004-07-10T16:37:00.000-05:00

i found myself going through drawers tossing shit recklessly into the trash, until i decided that my drawers were too empty looking. now, i think i'm in need of more useless crap to take up space. i'm all for respecting and admiring the negative space of anything, but this is too much, i need the junk to occupy the time i should be spending on something productive (like getting a damned job). productivity sounds well and good and all, but its fucking boring.

and speaking of that whole job thing, who else is tired of working? i know that my gripes amount to exactly squat when compared to the problems of others, but its all i got. i'm almost envious of the people with real problems. "my father molested me."; "i have an eating disorder"; "i'm ugly", jesus christ people, will you ever stop bitching? just because i wasnt anally raped with a garden weasel® by a kangaroo with epilepsy does not mean i am any less of a person, with any less to bitch about!

or maybe it does....

and holy shit, a spider the size of a buick was just decimated in my kitchen. I FUCKING HATE SPIDERS. I also know that i sound like a complete pussy stating such, but goddamned if i hate spiders with the passion and heat of seven fiery suns. this spider was so big it reminded me of that old Shatner (bless him) flick Kingdom of the Spiders. And going against all that i've known to be holy (Shatner starring), i hate this flick. it never gave me nightmares, only one movie ever has, but its way the hell up there on the creep factor.

sitting there in the dark at 2am, it comes on tv.... screw that. im not sleeping, i'd rather hit the coffee hard and look at net porn all night.

4

2004-07-09T16:35:00.000-05:00

"This is no fantasy, no careless product of wild imagination."

'Machismo' and i trekked to the King of Burgers earlier, in an attempt to find acceptable sustenance. 'Machismo' being only slightly out of his gourd after drinking a few brews (the King of Beers? the King of Burgers? coincidence? perhaps. i would rather assert to the majestic qualities we instill in all our activities.) and a couple 10 mg Lortabs, was decided to be in well enough shape to steer us through the dangerous police-infested concrete waters of our tiny hamlet.

re: drive us a mile to Burger King without killing anyone

So we go, and go, and go. for some reason, we headed in the wrong direction, righted the ship, and get there. and drive right on past it. about this time, i'm wondering if perhaps i shouldnt have been captaining our vessel. a couple of super-wide turns later (see: wrong way asshole), we end up where we needed to be. we ordered, and waited, and waited some more behind a car with two women in it. we were theorizing as to why we could get our deep-fried salt covered fat fix in a timely manner before we were asked to back up. we got our order from what had to be the missing link. i'm serious, this man had a speech impediment so bad it made Chewbacca sound like FDR. he sounded like Michael J Pollard on fucking thorazine. actually, come to think of it, he looked a bit like Mike Pollard too...

oh well, enough about zippy the dipshit. he told us, in barely discernible english that the girls had special orders or something about one of their sandwiches. me after seeing their modest beauty, and NOT (i repeat - not) being the one on any opiates, decided to (what can only be described as screaming) state how i would be more than willing to give them 'a sandwich' or something to that extent. there was also an 'all you can eat statement' mixed in there somewhere. sadly, my offer wasnt taken up. my only explanation for this is that they were god-damned tree-hugging hippy-ass vegetarians.

i think it means, with goats, while wearing a big hat.

2004-07-05T16:32:00.000-05:00

last nights festivities: sitting at home waiting for a phone call to go watch fireworks. stood up. by family. i got a call from the sister christian @ 10:30pm saying that they decided to stay at home for the night. thanks for the no-call, had i known i might have not been sitting on my ass, wasting my night waiting for one. i tried to veil the angry tone in my voice for the sake of good relations, but think a little slipped out anyway. oh well, done and gone, lets focus on today, and all the loving i can give ya.

the family fish fry turned out to be fairly lackluster, the normally sociable ones turned crotchety hermit on me. go figure. most of my step-whatevers showed up, and the house was far too packed for my taste. i get slightly claustrophobic in close-quartered crowds and have a hard time enjoying myself. and though given the chance, i would take over cooking duties wherever i go, i was not given a chance, and only ate the food. sister christian and bulletproof decided to duck out early, and since they were my ride, i was stuck leaving also (though i would have probably been bored either way - and was, horribly).

and as i'm leaving, something bothered me. does any of you out there have a relative or step-relative that seems to be a little touchy-feely? when my father married his new wife, she always had to hug and kiss us goodbye. i know alot of families are divided on how you kiss fellow family members, my family always went cheek. the lips thing is totally strange and scary, and if i might add, a bit incestuous. i was always too tall and never stooped to get my mouth kiss from my stepmother, but my sister wasnt always so lucky. as time passed, she stopped, and now only gives goodbye hugs. hugs are fine, most everyone loves them, and they dont seem to be pushing it at all. unless they GRAB YOUR ASS. granted, this did not happen to me, but my step-grandmother gave me a goodbye hug that came far too close. the hand was wondering down my back distressingly quick. it came to a stop when i started pulling away, about 3 inches below crack central. nightmares i tell you...

*shudder*

and completely unrelated? done. reading numberous other blogs here has led me to a few conclusions. 1) i'm bored with most people on here. 2) the 4th of july has made EVERYONE bring out memories of past horror. why is it that holidays make us remember the way we do? I'm guilty of this only on thanksgiving (re: the shittiest holiday ever invented after valentines day). mine always seemed worse, people die, i get sick, an uncle throws a basketball into my face to bloody my nose and the next year pops my football. the only redeeming thing about that holiday is turkey. why is thanksgiving being discussed on July 5th? hell if i know, you're the one reading this crap*...

* - said crap ranks #6 on the 'mongol porno' search. freaks i tell you, FREAKS...

2004-06-28T16:20:00.000-05:00

well, seeing as how i took the weekend off, i should probably get to tell you about the dreams i had while i was away.

i was in the 1950's. here in Oklahoma with my family, most notibly my father who was obsessed in a starange hobby. he collected clay figurines, furry clay figurines. they were all a pale bluish-purple color with very fine hair. I remember taking a trip with him to the local crafts store so he could purchase some more. he got many a figures, including albus dumbledore (to prove i had watched too much harry potter last week), but was dead set on an early 1960's hearse (with miniblinds in the windows) for his figures. the price tag for it was $2k, and he said in a few weeks he might be able to do it. we then drove to his house so he could show me his furry clay funeral home for the figures.

wake. ok, i was thinking about the same thing as i was using the bathroom at 4 am. what was that about? dont worry, i paid attention this time and didnt make a mess.

so after i return to my nice warm bed, i pass out and stumble into another dream. it must have been 'flashback weekend' because i was in the 50's now. but nothing so personal, no family. i was a bull riding cowboy. boots, hat, and all. but i wasnt stricly confined to the lifestyle of being just such, i also was dealing cocaine at a public library. go me! finally had an exciting job, well, until the mobsters showed. they had a problem with me or something, im not exactly sure. i was sure that they were chasing me around the library to my eventual hiding spot, kneeling on the crapper in the bathroom.

then 'Machismos' alarm clock went off. and i thought my alarm clock was annoying. mine does the increasing in volume wavering drone. his? obnoxious morning deejays at a crappy wannabe alternative station. "next up, another one from our good friends from Nirvana! but first! the weather!" i lay there every morning wanting nothing more than to smash that fucking alarm clock.

Gold Glove - Left Field - Me

2004-06-25T16:19:00.000-05:00

i was watching the drew carey show a few nights ago, and there was a joke about men not needing a bathroom door (and at most a glass one), and how you needed to be able to see the television from the toilet. i thought it was hilarious given that the placement of the television in my living room is perfect for a seat on the toilet. i also was forced to think on how much i actually watch tv from the toilet. i didnt think to post anything about it, choosing instead to keep that one to myself.

until the other night.

i was 6 innings into the cubs game and watching tv while urinating. keep in mind, i'm a hardcore cubs fan. of course i'm paying more attention to the game than what i'm doing, and... the cubs score!!!! i get so excited i start jumping up and down while pumping my fist (the free hand). yes. while i'm pissing. so a second or two into my celebration dance, i notice that there's piss all over the toilet (and some on the wall). i finish up and swear alot, knowing that i have to clean up the mess i made. i guess the positive of it (if any) was that it was mine. whats worse, the cubs ended up losing and i had to suffer through both a loss and the stench of urine (but replaced by a much nicer bleach smell shortly thereafter).

maybe this is why i never get any company.